Dave VO: We're back on Dan in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
Dan: Next up, Steve Denton looks for a new gig, the Hawks defend a streak, and we answer the question 'how much wood could a woodchuck wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood?'
Casey: You're watching Sports Night on CSC, so come on back.
Dave: We're out.
Elliot: Two and a half minutes back.
Dan: Okay, I don't think there's any way I could be colder. (puts on fuzzy hat with ear flaps)
Kim: (helping Dan into jacket and scarf) What if you were wet?
Dan: I'd be very cold. But as cold as I'd be under that circumstance, I don't think there'd be any discernable difference between how cold I'd be then and how cold I am now. That's how cold I am now.
Casey: (wearing coat and earmuffs) So... you're cold.
Dan: I'm pretty cold.
Dana: We're taking care of it.
Dan: And if it's possible, I'd like to look just a little bit more like Elmer Fudd.
Dana: Natalie, do you have the S.O.T. on Michigan State?
Natalie: I'm sorry?
Dana: Michigan State?
Natalie: I've got it.
Dana: I need it.
Natalie: It was right here.
Jeremy: (who is unshaven and his clothes are messy and just generally looks like hell) Where?
Dana: It's cool.
Jeremy: Don't panic.
Natalie: I'm not losing my mind, don't tell me not to panic. (starts looking frantically around her chair)
Natalie: I just had it!
Dana: Dan, heads up- I may have a change.
Natalie: There's not gonna be a change, it was right here.
Dana: We may not have the S.O.T. for Michigan State.
Natalie: We'll have it!
Jeremy: Natalie's right, this is professional television. Surely there's some kind of strict procedure that's followed when something like this happens.
Jeremy: What is it?
Dana: Well first, everyone stand up and see if you're sitting on it.
Dave: Two minutes back.
Natalie: I'll find it. (exits)
Jeremy: I'll help her look.
Dana: Uh, don't worry about it.
Dana: Jeremy, she's not gonna find it. Don't worry about it.
Dave: 90 seconds back.
Dana: Did you get any sleep last night?
Jeremy: I don't remember.
Dan: So I have a complaint- two complaints actually.
Casey: You're cold.
Dan: Three complaints.
Casey: What are the first two?
Dan: I haven't put these in any order.
Dan: I haven't numbered them. I'm not conversationally anal-rententive the way you are.
Casey: I'm conversationally anal-retentive?
Dan: Yes, indeed.
Casey: Well, what are your other two complaints?
Dan: If I did number them, certainly high on the list would be the climate in this room.
Casey: I think your position pretty clear on that.
Dave: 60 seconds back.
Casey: What are the other two?
Dan: You're too hard on Rostenkowski.
Casey: Oh, please.
Dan: You are!
Casey: Am not.
Dan: You've been riding him all week.
Casey: Dan, he made a bonehead move on fourth down with the game on the line. It's not the first time he's made a bonehead move. I'm a commentator, I'm a pundit, I am doing my job.
Dan: You're a pundit?
Casey: I'm a pundit.
Dan: You're parents must be very proud.
Casey: They are!
Dave: 30 seconds.
Casey: What's your second complaint?
Dan: The sound effects.
Casey: Oh, again with the sound effects.
Dan: All through the Rostenkowski piece. 'Clank! Wanh wah!' What's with that?
Casey: I am brining my point into stark relief.
Dan: With Casio keyboard sound effects.
Casey: We have very talented sound editors, right, Chris?
Chris: (into mic) Thank you.
Will: (into mic) It's what I do.
Casey: You see, it's what Will does.
Dan: Suit yourself.
Casey: Danny, he should not be the coach of a major college football team. (someone takes his coat)
Dan: Yeah, but he is and you know what that job's like, so I'm just saying. (Kim tries to take his coat, but he instantly pulls it back)
Natalie: I can't find it.
Dana: That's okay.
Natalie: I'm sorry.
Dana: It's not a problem.
Natalie: It is a problem, this isn't something...
Dana: Natalie, it's not a problem. We've got promos we can use to fill. (into mic) Yeah guys, we're blowing off 80, 81 and 82, we've got promo fillers, so ride us out on the box set.
Natalie: (into mic) I'm sorry everybody.
Dan: It's okay.
Casey: No problem, don't worry about it. Hey Dana? Danny has some complaints.
Dan: Three complaints.
Casey: In no particular order.
Dan: Wanna hear 'em?
Dana: Danny, you look like Elmer Fudd.
Dan: Okay, four complaints.
Dan & Casey's office:
Natalie: Dan, I spoke to building maintenence about the air conditioning. They're sending someone out.
Dan: The air conditioning?
Dan: That's good, but um, the problem we're having in the studio is with the heat.
Natalie: Damn it.
Casey: Don't worry about it.
Natalie: Yes, right, right. No problem. (starts to leave)
Dan: Nat? You wanna sit down for a sec? Shoot the breeze?
Natalie: I can't shoot the breeze right now Dan, I have to do my job. Or do you think it's just safer for everybody if I don't do anything.
Dan: No, I was just...
Natalie: My two anchors are going to die of hypothermia on the air, but that's okay, because Natalie's a little distracted! I am not distracted, guys, I can do my job.
Dan: We know.
Natalie: I've got to go get the air conditioning fixed.
Casey: The heat!
Natalie: Yes. I know that. Thank you. (exits)
Dan: Also, if you see Casey, tell him to lighten up on Rostenkowski. Oh look, you're here.
Dan: Lighten up on Rostenkowski.
Casey: I stand by my position. I do it proudly, I do it vigorously, and I do it for the following three reasons...
Dan: Here come the table of contents.
Casey: I like to organize my thoughts.
Dan: We know.
Casey: Why are you looking at a dictionary?
Dan: I don't think pundit means what you think it means.
Casey: You're not gonna let go of this.
Dan: You're not gonna let go of this!
Casey: Excuse me, but wasn't I sitting next to you for two weeks when you said that Latrell Spreewell shouldn't be allowed to play professional basketball again?
Dan: Look, I know it's your alma mater and I know you take that seriously, and I think that's great. But Rostenkowski blew a 4th down call in a college football game, Latrell Spreewell tried to strangle his coach. Is this one of those days when you have a hard time making the distinction?
Casey: (scramles over next to Dan) We were this close to beating Miami. This close. Do you know how many times we've beaten Miami?
Dan: You've never beaten Miami.
Casey: We've never beaten Miami. Now, who am I supposed to see about that?
Dan: A therapist?
Dana: And what was the upshot of the budget meeting?
Isaac: We're gonna have to find a way to cut $17 million.
Jeremy: (knocks on door) Excuse me?
Isaac: Come on in.
Jeremy: I found it.
Dana: You found it.
Jeremy: I found it. I knew that if I looked hard enough, I'd find it and I found it.
Isaac: Found what?
Jeremy: A death threat.
Dana: To Natalie?
Jeremy: Yes. Any time you've got a thousand people making phone calls and sending letters it's pretty good bet that at least one of them's going to be out of his mind.
Dana: Jeremy, is this why you haven't been sleeping at night?
Jeremy: I don't need much sleep.
Dana: I don't want you obsessing about this.
Jeremy: It's not an obsession.
Isaac: You look like you haven't slept in a week.
Jeremy: I'm fine.
Dana: 'Cause you know, network security's working with the FBI and they've pretty much got the bases covered.
Jeremy: They don't have the bases covered, because I intercepted this email this morning.
Dana: You shouldn't be reading Natalie's email.
Jeremy: It's the only way that I can be sure that Natalie doesn't read Natalie's email.
Dana: I'm surprised she gave you her password, she won't even give to me.
Jeremy: She didn't give it to me, I figured it out.
Dana: You figured it out?
Dana: You figured out her password?
Jeremy: I figured, how many 6 letter words can there be?
Dana: Um, 5,000?
Jeremy: 14,200 and some change. But I got it on the 38th try.
Dana: You gotta go to sleep right now.
Jeremy: 'Dear slut...'
Dana: Don't read it.
Jeremy: 'You should never have been in that locker room where men have just played the game of football. You deserve what Christian Patrick gave you and more. And now a great football player, with a passion and love for the game' -- passion with the less common 's-h' spelling -- 'has come under a cloud of speculation that's only serving to distract a team from its quest to win the Superbowl. I hope you get killed.'
Isaac: We've seen the letter.
Jeremy: You've seen the letter?
Dana: It came yesterday. Natalie gave it to the police.
Jeremy: Natalie's seen it?
Dana: Of course.
Jeremy: I don't want her seeing this stuff!
Jeremy: No, I don't want her seeing it!!
Dana: Listen! Do me a favor, go and wait for me in the conference room., I want to talk to you.
Jeremy: I need to be doing something.
Dana: You will be. Go wait in the conference room.
Dana: You're over tired, this is sleep deprivation. Go wait in the conference room and wait for me there.
Jeremy: I'm sorry I raised my voice. (exits)
Dana: We shouldn't worry, right? A reporter goes into a locker room, has a run-in with an athlete, the reporter becomes a story. That happens, right?
Isaac: In my experience? About twice a year over the last 40 years.
Dana: Right. So why does this feel different?
Isaac: Because it's happening to us.
Dana: Right. Okay.. the budget.
Casey: 'Dear Casey McCall, Lately I think you and me are the only people who know anything about football. Rostenkowski should be run out of town on a rail. And you're just the man to do it.'
Elliot: Eh, I say you're man enough for 10 men.
Casey: 'Casey: Rostenkowski is a fraud, a bum and a doddering old man. Me and my friends are totally with you. Keep up the good work.' They tell me I'm all over the radio in the Great Lakes region.
Elliot: I've never been to the Great Lakes.
Casey: Yeah, four of 'em.
Elliot: How are they?
Casey: They're great. 'You're my favorite sports anchor ever. I never used to like sports, but you've so got me into it. Maybe because you're totally hot. Look me up: Tracy Deveroux, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.'
Kim: You just made that up.
Casey: What's that say?
Kim: It's addressed to Dan.
Casey: Yeah, well the point is, I'm leading a groundswell.
Casey: I'm leading a groundswell.
Dana: That's really nice for you. Listen, (takes Casey's arm and walks with him through room) do me a favor, double check any items you're getting in from Natalie, if anything's wrong, fix it yourself. The distractions are starting to get to her.
Casey: Yeah, she's been screwing up pretty good lately.
Dana: Yeah, not like when you were going through the divorce.
Casey: I did my job with a a plome.
Dana: I remember some days you could barely find the building.
Casey: Yeah, that's true.
Dana: You'll watch her back.
Casey: I always do. (stands in front of Dana, blocking her way into the conference room)
Dana: I know.
Dana: I need to get in there.
Casey: You look nice today.
Casey: Uh, uh, uh, no, no, no. I said you look nice today, that's your cue to say thank you.
Dana: Thank you.
Casey: Why do you look nice?
Dana: Because I am nice.
Casey: You can say it, Dana.
Dana: I don't want to say it.
Casey: You do want to say it.
Dana: I don't want to say it and you don't want me to say it.
Casey: I do want you to say it and then I want you to see how much I don't care when you do.
Dana: What's in it for me?
Dana: I am dressed this way because I am having dinner with Gordon after the show. I'm having dinner with Gordon and I'm dressed this way because it's been my experience that when I do, Gordon becomes quite amorous, and it is my hope that Gordon act on his impulses this evening, quench his desire, and in so doing (sighs) quench mine. You happy?
Casey: That's all I wanted.
Casey: There is no reason for you to be secretive.
Casey: I am not jealous of you and Gordon.
Dana: Can I get in the conference room?
Casey: Sure. (Dana enters and Casey turns down the hallway, passing by Kim) Kim.
Casey: Make a note. I need to ruin Dana's dinner with Gordon.
Dana: Don Quixote was a hero of my father's and my father would like you. You're a very quixotic character.
Jeremy: Thank you.
Dana: Of course, my father would also say, you're a fool.
Jeremy: That's entirely possible but in my own defence, so was Don Quixote.
Dana: You like Natalie, don't you?
Jeremy: Of course I like her.
Dana: No, that's not what I mean, Jeremy. I mean, you like Natalie, don't you?
Jeremy: What was the question?
Dana: It's okay.
Jeremy: I haven't...
Dana: It's okay, I'm sure your love has been pure and chaste from afar.
Jeremy: It really has been.
Dana: I'll let you in on a secret. I think Natalie likes you as well.
Jeremy: I think so too.
Jeremy: I've been getting that feeling.
Jeremy: I've had this sense, it's a faint, subtle thing...
Dana: She's been throwing herself at you.
Jeremy: See, I didn't get that.
Dana: Trust me. So you know what I think you should do?
Jeremy: Isn't that what I'm doing now?
Dana: No. Natalie's world has been turned upside down. She doesn't know whether she's coming or going. People harass her and take pictures. The reporters calling, the mail... she's frightened and confused, and I know you're frightened too, or you wouldn't be staying up all night plugging 6 letter words into a computer.
Jeremy: I'm not a big man, Dana, I can't beat people up and I don't carry a gun. I'm a research analyst with a degree in applied mathmatics. This is what I do.
Dana: And that's cool, but that's not what she needs.
Jeremy: What does she need?
Dana: A quiet dinner. Just a quiet dinner in a safe place with someone she likes.
Jeremy: Me! Right!
Jeremy: I can do that.
Jeremy: I can definitely do that.
Dana: Excellent. Now I need you to do something else.
Dana: Go into my office, close the door, lie down on the couch and take a nap.
Jeremy: (stands up) I can't.
Dana: You can try.
Jeremy: I can't sleep.
Dana: You can try for a few hours.
Jeremy: These letters aren't going to stop coming just because I take her to dinner.
Dana: I know.
Jeremy: I'll try and sleep.
Jeremy: And change.
Dana: Very quixotic, my father would say about you.
Casey: Hey, you know what Danny said to me last night?
Dana: What'd you say to him last night?
Dan: I told him that he was conversationally anal-retentive.
Dana: Yeah, you are.
Casey: I am not.
Dana: You are too.
Dan: You guys need me for this fight?
Casey: No, we're fine. (Dan exits) How am I conversationally anal-retentive?
Dana: Let me answer that question in four parts, with the fourth part first and the third part last. The second part has five syllables...
Casey: All right, all right, all right. Hey did you talk to the sound guys about the Rostenkowski effects for tonight?
Dana: The crash and burn sound?
Casey: What'd they say?
Dana: They said they don't have it.
Casey: They don't have the crash and burn sound?
Dana: They don't have it.
Casey: Well, did you make the sound for them?
Dana: Yes. Hey, Elliot. Who's the leading scorer in the Portland game?
Casey: You made the sound for them and they didn't have it?
Dana: That's right.
Casey: Uh-huh. (both enter the control room) Kim, where are we on Sergei Federov?
Kim: When did you need that?
Casey: (imitates squeeling tires and crashing noise) IRRRR! PUKKKK! That sound?
Casey: Make the sound tha you made.
Dana: Casey, I made the sound.
Casey: Make it.
Dana: (very high pitched) Irrr. Ksss!
Casey: That's not the sound.
Dana: That's the sound.
Casey: Chris, Will. Be with me now. IRRR! PUKKK!
Will: Crash and burn.
Casey: Can you do it?
Chris: Got it. (Dana gasps)
Dan & Casey's office:
Jeremy: Excuse me. Danny?
Jeremy: Am I interrupting?
Dan: I thought you were asleep.
Dan: Dana said you were asleep in her office.
Jeremy: No, I've been running some stats through a program. I'm trying to choose an appropriate restaurant.
Dan: Listen to me. You've gotta get some sleep. I once stayed up 72 hours studying for a Biochem midterm, you know what happened next?
Dan: Me neither, 'cause I passed out in my girlfriends dorm room and I didn't wake up until, like, graduation.
Jeremy: How'd you do on the midterm?
Dan: I aced it, but that's not the point.
Jeremy: What is the point?
Dan: You're running stats on restaurants?
Jeremy: I want to take Natalie to dinner and I want to do it right. I wrote some software that lets me factor in menu, ambience, location. Any number of elements that can be tranferred into binomial functions. It's based on the 4th generation of L7 software that runs with the old Omni applications. It doesn't allow for trends and it's not as fast as I'd like it to be, but it's...
Dan: Hang on, hang on, hang on. Time out. Let me just get this straight here. I'm sorry. You designed some software?
Jeremy: It's just an application.
Jeremy: See, Dana seems to think that I could help Natalie out if I take her to dinner.
Jeremy: Dan, this may be my only chance with her.
Dan: Listen up..
Jeremy: You know what she likes and you know all the hot places in the city!
Jeremy: Please, help me pick a restaurant!
Dan: (grabs Jeremy by the shoulders) LISTEN UP!
Dan: You need to go to sleep. It's dangerous. Really.
Dan: (walks towards office door, then stops) Make it some place that you like. Restaurants - they don't impress women as much as we think they do, and food always tastes good on a first date. You're not in Vegas, and you're not in L.A. You are in the most magnificent city in the world. It's the city of Gershwin and Cole Porter, Damon Runyon and Figerlo La Guardia. Surprise her, but make her feel comfortable. Make it different, but make her feel at home. But mostly, make it some place that you like.
Jeremy: Where is that restaurant?
Dan: I'll let you know when I find it.
Kim: Dan, we need you in makeup.
Natalie: Three minutes to air, we're three minutes out.
Gordon: Hey Casey.
Casey: Hey Gordon. What's happening?
Gordon: Wow, this place really hops at show time, huh? It's like a real television show.
Casey: Yeah, we got cameras and everything.
Dana: Honey, I have to go check on some things. You don't have to talk to Casey if you don't want to, and if he says anything you don't like, you should feel free to take a swing at him.
Gordon: Feisty girl.
Casey: Yeah, she's a pip.
Gordon: I gotta tell you, when she wears that outfit...
Casey: I heard!
Gordon: Oh, by the way. For what it's worth, I'm right with you on this Rostenkowski thing.
Casey: Thank you.
Gordon: That was a terrible call.
Casey: Lost the game.
Gordon: I don't know how you make that call.
Gordon: Any idiot knows you hand it to Jermaine, you send him up the middle.
Casey: Yeah... well, you're not going to go up the middle against an 8-man front, but still.
Gordon: But still, you try a play action fake, you toss to the tight end off the flat.
Casey: The problem with that is, without establishing your running game first no one's gonna bite down on the play fake.
Gordon: Oh, but still...
Gordon: A post pattern, a slant...
Casey: He'd be going up against a defensive back who was second team all american as a true freshman. (shakes head)
Gordon: What would you have called?
Casey: (sighs) The thing is, I haven't watched film all week, I haven't seen scouting reports, I don't have an offensive coordinator talking in my ear, I don't have 80,000 fans screaming in my face, so it's easy for me. I don't have 10 million people watching at home, including a pack of rabid alumni. I've had three days to think about it, he had seven seconds. So It's a lot easier for me to make that decision than it was for him. But since you asked me what play I would've called, I'll tell you. Now that I think about it? I have no idea.
Kim: Gordon? Dana asked me to show you to the green room.
Gordon: Thanks. Casey. (exits)
Casey. Gordon. (heads into control room) Hey Dana.
Casey: Can you put in an alternate 44 and stretch the NBA Rollout after the second C-break?
Dana: I think so, why?
Casey: I'm blowing off the Rostenkowski thing. (Chris and Will look heartbroken)
Dave: We're live in 60 seconds, roll VTR.
Casey: I'm blowing off the Rostenkowski piece.
Casey: I gave in.
Casey: I saw the light.
Casey: I rose above myself and I did it for the following three reasons...
Dan: We actually don't have time for this right now.
Dave: 30 seconds.
Dana: Let's go. Good show everybody.
Studio, On Air:
Casey: Losing to fourth seeded Monica Seles in the second round. Time for our weekly edition of 'You Should Know.' Daniel.
Dan: You know, here at Sports Night we get a lot of mail. And most of it goes something like this: 'Casey, Dan, the two of you obviously know a lot about sports. But what can you tell us about legendary Italian song stylist Tony Orlando?' Well?
SFX: You should know!
Dan: You should know that Tony Orlando wasn't Italian. And if you guessed that the man was of Latin descent, you'd be incorrect as well. Mr. Tony Orlando hails from Greece. We thought you should know that.
Casey: That just about does it for tonight's show. It's a holiday weekend, so if you're driving out to the stadium tomorrow, please please remember to take your car. Good night, everybody.
Dan: Good night.
Dave: We're out.
Dan: What the hell was that?!?
Dana: Shhh! Quiet!
Dan: That was supposed to be Troy Aikman. There was nothing on the tele-prompter.
Casey: So you ad-libbed Tony Orlando?
Dan: It's all I could think of!
Casey: Tony Orlando?
Dana: Listen, I had Natalie write a new copy to fill for the gap Casey left when he pulled the Rostenkowski thing. The copy never made it to the tele-prompter. We screwed up, and thanks for covering.
Casey: Is Tony Orlando Greek?
Dan: How the hell do I know?
Casey: Well I can't deny that Natalie's making things interesting around here.
Dana: Not a word to Natalie.
Natalie: All right! You guys are still miked for crying out loud. I can hear every word you're saying.
Dan: Hey, Natalie, it's not like that, we were just laughing at...
Dana: Uh, Natalie...
Dan: Absolutely not.
Natalie: Why not? Why aren't you laughing at me? Why aren't you mad at me? Dan, you just had to adlib a 30 second segment in the freezing cold and God knows what graphic I put on the screen. Look, all I want is to get it right, and when I don't, I expect to be treated like a professional. I expect to be yelled at. I want to be treated like the show is still important. I want to be treated like my job is still important!
Dana: The show is important and your job is important.
Natalie: Then why won't anybody yell at me?
Dana: Because we like you. Because you're one of us. Cause you're always there any time one of us is in trouble.
Casey: Like me.
Dan: LIke me.
Dana: LIke them.
Dan and Casey: And you!
Dana: When have I...? Uh. It doesn't matter. The point is, when someone's feeling helpless, about the nicest gift you can give is to let them help you. It's the gift of receiving as opposed to giving, and that's a gift that you're in a position to give right now. Does that make sense?
Casey: I couldn't follow it.
Dana: And was I talking to you?
Natalie: I'm going home (walks away)
Dana: Oh Natalie, don't go home mad!
Natalie: I'm not mad. (throws videotape at computer monitor)
Dana: Oh, Natalie! (walks after her, Dan and Casey follow)
(Jeremy is laying down sleeping on a blanket in the news room, with chinese food, wine and a candle in front of him. Natalie is standing looking at him)
Dan: Hmm. He found it.
Natalie: (walks over to Jeremy) Jeremy. Jeremy, wake up.
Jeremy: Huh? (sees everyone) Oh God.
Natalie: Did you do this?
Jeremy: Oh boy.
Natalie: Did you... do this?
Natalie: Is this for me? Don't look at Dan. Is this for me?
Natalie: And this was meant to be some kind of charity?
Jeremy: No. Not charity. I just wanted to do something.
Jeremy: I like you.
Natalie: (pauses) You look awfully tired, Jeremy. When was the last time you slept.
Jeremy: I don't really remember.
Natalie: Is that... because of me?
Jeremy: Yeah. Look, I'll clean this stuff up. It'll take a second.
Natalie: (stops him) Sit down. Lie down here. (sits down, taking Jeremy's coat as a pillow into her lap) Put your head here.
Dana: (to everyone else) You guys have something better to do?
Dan, Casey, Elliot, Kim: No, not really, I'm not busy. (Dana gives them a look) Oh yeah, I've got that thing. I'll go now.
Dana: I'll see you in the morning.
Natalie: Listen, he's gonna be asleep for awhile and I wouldn't mind the company. You wanna have a drink with me?
Dana: Yeah, I would, but I've got Gordon waiting in the greenroom and we're gonna go out to dinner.
Natalie: I'll see you in the morning.
Dana: (starts to leave) Natalie?
Dana: You've been screwing up all week and it's gotta stop. Get your act together and do it fast. Go it?
Natalie: Yes ma'am.
Dana: You're welcome. (exits)
"Someone to Watch Over Me" plays until the credits.