Casey: There's a formality.
Make-up artist: (to Dan) Please stop moving.
Casey: Strange formality.
Dan: Why do you worry about him?
Casey: 'Cause I'm his father. You know what he's started doing? He's started shaking hands with me. He's nine. You'll see when he comes by tomorrow. He'll be like, "Hi, Dad." What is that?
Dan: Leave him alone.
Kim: Five minutes to air. First team in the studio, please.
Casey: On the other hand, he's started playing baseball well.
Casey: Did I mention yesterday's game?
Dan: Yes, you did. In fact, I believe I know the stats.
Casey: Three for three with two RBIs, two walks and a stolen base.
Casey: What, you don't think that's impressive?
Dan: I think it's very impressive.
Casey: You bet your butt that's impressive.
Dan: It is.
Casey: He started off slow, but it turns out, he's got some game.
Dan: He does.
Make-up artist: You're done. (Dan & Casey get up and walk towards the studio)
Casey: My boy can play ball.
Dan: I'd think about takin' him out of school.
Casey: See, you joke about this.
Dan: I'm not kidding. There's nothing he can learn in fourth grade that he can't pick up in a good minor league farm system.
Casey: Three for three with two RBIs, two walks and a stolen base.
Dan: And you should be his agent, 'cause that usually works out well, too.
Casey: I'm just sayin'.
Dan: Wouldn't you think she'd have come crawling back to me by now?
Casey: I would've thought so, but instead she went crawling back to her husband.
Dan: It's a world gone mad, Casey.
Natalie: (walking past) 30's long.
Casey: Dan fixed it, check your shot sheet.
Natalie: (enters control room) Dan fixed 30. Show me Riverfront.
Chris: Stand by.
Dave: Three minutes to VTR, four minutes live.
Will: Riverfront's up.
Natalie: That's not Riverfront.
Will: You're right.
Natalie: That's Three Rivers.
Will: I know.
Elliot: Riverfront's in Cincinatti.
Will: I know where Riverfront is.
Chris: Three Rivers is in Pittsburgh.
Chris: Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania.
Will: Thanks very much.
Dana: It works, my new camera works!
Dana: The Soshi/Suntac RTS III, baby.
Will: Riverfront's up.
Dana: And it works.
Natalie: Thank you, show me Phoenix.
Dana: Well, I don't know if it works, but it looks incredibly good.
Natalie: What's the count back in?
Dana: 18 seconds.
Natalie: (into mic) Judy, that's 18 seconds for 30 cold.
Dana: I'm going to take the inaugeral picture tomorrow, the maiden photograph. I'd like everyone to bring nice clothes.
Elliot: You're going to take a picture of our clothes?
Kim: I think she meant she wanted us to wear the clothes.
Dana: That's exactly what I meant. Spread the word.
Dave: Two minutes to VTR, three minutes live.
Kim: (walking into studio) It's an 18 second countback.
Casey: From the Red Sox?
Kim: Yeah. And Dana wants to take everyone's picture tomorrow.
Casey: She bought a new camera.
Dan: I didn't know Dana took pictures.
Casey: She doesn't. She doesn't know anything about cameras, but she felt the sudden need to own one.
Dan: Is this part of her psychotic episode?
Dan: Well, then sign me up.
Kim: 18 back at 30.
Allyson: You guys are all set. Have a good show.
Dan: Thank you, Allyson.
Casey: Allyson. Did you know my son Charlie went three for three yesterday with two RBIs, two walks and a stolen base?
Casey: He did.
Allyson: That's great.
Casey: I wasn't there to see it, but that's a different thing and I'm not gonna get morose right now.
Casey: Not gonna lay all that on you.
Casey: Not gonna get heavy with you.
Casey: Even though I can see you're feeling chatty right now.
Allyson: Yeah. Good show.
Jeremy: Seven pitches, you believe that?
Casey: Yes, I do.
Jeremy: (enters control room) Three batters, seven pitches.
Dana: What've you got?
Jeremy: Nothing. Bottom of the order went down in seven pitches.
Dana: Maybe tomorrow.
Jeremy: Whatever happened to the ninth inning rally, huh?
Dana: Yeah, and why don't we use semicolons anymore?
Jeremy: This show needs a ninth inning rally.
Dana: I think, under the circumstances, the show is doing fine.
Jeremy: Oh, I think so, too.
Natalie: Then why did you say we need a ninth inning rally?
Jeremy: I wasn't speaking metaphorically, I meant the show could use an actual ninth inning rally.
Dana: The show hasn't even started yet.
Jeremy: I'm not talking about the show. I'm saying, wouldn't it be great if the show we're about to do included a ninth inning rally?
Natalie: And we're saying that in order to have a ninth inning rally, the show would necessarily have to begin from a disadvantageous position, which neither one of us thinks would be great.
Jeremy: I'm gonna start again because that's how completely you've both missed the point.
Dave: Roll VTR. 60 seconds live.
Will: Stand by.
Chris: Loading 1, 2 and FX-2.
Elliot: Steppin' out now, we're live in 60.
Elliot: What do you need?
Dan: Wouldn't you think Rebecca would have come crawling back to me by now?
Elliot: If you love something, you gotta set it free, Dan.
Dan: That's good advice, dude. Thanks.
Elliot: 30 seconds!
Casey: Do me a favor, would you? When he comes by tomorrow, make a big deal out of the baseball thing.
Dan: I will.
Casey: And try not to traumatize the new nanny.
Dan: Why would I traumatize the new nanny?
Casey: I don't know, but you always do.
Dan: I like nannies.
Casey: I know.
Dan: I'm thinking about getting one for myself.
Dan: Of course, she'd probably end up going back to her ex-husband.
Casey: You'll make a big deal?
Dan: I'll make a big deal.
Casey: He's shakin' hands, Danny.
Dan: Stop it.
Dave: In three, two...
Dan: Good evening from New York City. I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall. Those stories, plue we'll show you what a long, strange trip it's been for the grateful Reds at Riverfront.
Caesy: And we'll show you how Geraldo Garcia can just keep on truckin' at Three Rivers. All that coming up after this. You're watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.
Dave: We're out.
Kim: Two minutes back.
Jeremy: Listen to me. This isn't hard. Forget we work on a television show. We're just sports fans and we work in a haberdashery. A ninth inning rally would be a fun thing to see.
Natalie: I understand.
Jeremy: Thank you.
Natalie: The haberdashery.
Jeremy: Yes, that was all I was saying.
Natalie: I was confused.
Jeremy: Yes, I know.
Natalie: But your haberdashery parable cleared it all up for me.
Dana: Picture time!
Jeremy: Speaking of confused....
Natalie: Be nice.
Dana: Kim, let's get everybody.
Jeremy: Dana, do you have the first idea of how to operate any of this equipment?
Dana: (holds up instruction booklet) This is called an owner's manual, my friend, and I have read it cover to cover.
Jeremy: I've read Doctor Zhivago cover to cover. Doesn't make me the czar.
Dana: We have a name for people like you back home in Cedar Rapids. It's called sourpuss.
Jeremy: We have a name for people like you back home in Boston, too. It's called (Natalie twists his ear) ow, ow, pain, pain, pain!
Dana: Dan, good, get over here.
Dan: Dana, what the hell--?
Dana: Do you love it?
Dan: How much did you spend on this?
Dana: It's a little extravagant, but I think a hobby's a good idea for me.
Dan: Annie Leibowitz doesn't have--
Dana: I'm treating myself.
Dan: Go to Vegas.
Dana: I don't like Vegas.
Dan: Dave, Chris, Will, you guys are professionals, you couldn't talk her out of this?
Dave: We're just happy to be in the picture.
Dana: Great. Where's Casey?
Dan: Madison Square Garden.
Dana: What's he doing there?
Dan: Interviewing Michelle Kwan.
Dana: That was supposed to be you.
Dan: Michelle Kwan doesn't like me.
Natalie: You're wrong.
Dan: She dissed me at the ESPYs.
Natalie: She did not.
Dan: She dissed me.
Natalie: Dan, she's not--
Dan: I gave her a little of this at the ESPYs and she frosted me. Not unlike Rebecca.
Dana: We can't do the picture without Casey.
Dan: I gotta go someplace and weep.
Dana: Hang on, hang on, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna do a practice picture.
Dana: Yes, without Casey. That way I can work out any kinks and he won't be able to make any jokes.
Natalie: He wouldn't make any jokes.
Dana: Yes, he would.
Dana: Gather up!
Dan: We'd better do what she says.
Dana: All right, now, just so you know, what we're working with here today is the Soshi/Suntac RTS III with a built-in datapack and a 70 millimeter--
Dana: Okay. Everybody hold still. Here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna hear three beeps. Beep, beep, beep! Followed by a one and a half second pause, then a flash from my Exeter 220G strobe with the 18-inch parabolic reflector. Ready.
Jeremy: Can you tell us again what the beeps are gonna sound like?
Dana: Hold still. (hits button on the camera, then runs to get in the picture. The camera beeps three times, but nothing happens)
Dan: Don't be impatient now. 'Cause a second and a half is a lot longer than you think. (Dana finally walks back toward the camera, just as the shutter clicks. Everybody chuckles.)
Dana: Well, it's a little timing problem. I can fix that.
Natalie: Also, the flash didn't go off.
Dana: That's right. (She turns toward the flash and it pops and flashes in her face)
Dan: Well, I don't see where Casey could have gotten any material here, Dana. I don't think you have anything to worry about.
Dana: I'm going to iron out these wrinkles and we're going to do this again later. We'll gather.
Elliot: Gordon's on your line.
Jeremy: There are 28 teams playing. What we want is for one of them to be getting absolutely humiliated in the late inning.
Jeremy: 'Cause we're sports fans.
Natalie: In a haberdashery.
Holly: Wow, this is quite a place, huh?
Charlie: Holly, do you know what time it is?
Holly: It's half past four. We're fine.
Charlie: 'Cause it's just my mother will be mad if I'm late.
Holly: We're fine.
Dana: Hey, Charlie! I heard a rumor you were paying a visit. Hi. Dana Whitaker.
Holly: Hi, I'm Holly. I'm the new nanny. Deborah had to--
Dana: I heard. Hey, listen, Charlie, your dad should be here any minute. He had to go crosstown to interview an ice skater.
Holly: Do you mind if we wait?
Dana: No, of course not. No. I'll just... I have to be here because I got a phone call, someone's meeting me here. But I'll meet you, I'll put you in the conference room.
Charlie: We shouldn't be late.
Holly: We're okay.
Dana: Jeremy, come here. Meet Charlie McCall.
Jeremy: Ah, hey, nice to meet you. I'm Jeremy.
Dana: Jeremy, could you take Charlie and Holly to the conference room?
Dana: I've gotta wait here.
Charlie: Uh, Holly?
Charlie: I think my mom--
Holly: We're meeting her soon.
Dana: I've gotta wait here. I'll be right here.
(Dana leans back against the anchor desk, looking very nervous. She is sitting on the desk when Gordon finally enters and walks by behind her)
Dana: I'm over here.
Gordon: I'm sorry it took so long. Something's happening on 6th Avenue.
Dana: I know. Casey isn't back yet either.
Dana: I was worried. On the phone it sounded important.
Gordon: Yeah. I-I wanted to come over...
Dana: You wanna sit down?
Gordon: I wanted to come over 'cause I know we're supposed to go to that thing tonight.
Dana: We're not going?
Dana: I'm not saying we need to go, I just thought it'd be fun because we don't get to get dressed up that much.
Gordon: I need you to stop talking.
Gordon: I wanted to come over... (stops and sighs nervously, unable to continue)
Dana: What is it? Unless you're calling off the engagement, I can't even imagine what it is that has you so frazzled. (Gordon silently looks up at Dana until she realizes.) Why would you call off the engagement?
Dana: I'd prefer not to talk here.
Gordon: Should we go someplace?
Dana: Yeah. (Gordon follows Dana through the studio and the news room)
Elliot: (as they walk past) Dana, how would you feel about moving the pre-fight coverage to the 4 block?
Dana: Kevin would need to give us 15 back.
Dave: We're two minutes long.
Dana: We'll get it. (They arrive at Isaac's office and close the door)
Dana: What were we talking about?
Dana: That was a joke.
Dana: That was a joke.
Gordon: I know.
Dana: I'm just saying I think I'm funnier than you have given me credit for being in the past.
Gordon: Here's what I've been thinking the past few days...
Dana: I'm just saying, if you're calling off the engagement because you don't think I'm funny enough...
Gordon: Would you stop!?
Dana: You're angry right now?
Dana: You're mad at me?
Gordon: I'm not going to--
Dana: You spend six months making me feel guilty for liking my job, then propose to me, then two days later you tell me you slept with the woman who wants my job. I say, "Fine." I say, "Fine." Then six days after that, you tell me you want to break off the engagement. Here's the thing: I think only one of us should be angry at a time, and I have a hunch? It's gonna be me.
Gordon: I think you're hung up on Casey.
Dana: That's what this is about?
Gordon: That's what this is about.
Dana: I'm not.
Gordon: You are, and you don't cover it well.
Dana: This is a cheap excuse to get out of marrying me, which you never wanted to do in the third place, and the only reason you proposed, in the second place, was out of guilt for having slept with Sally in the first place.
Gordon: You say, "Fine"? I sleep with Sally and you say "Fine"? Casey sleeps with Sally, you have a level three nervous breakdown.
Dana: You're calling off the engagement because I wasn't mad enough when I found out you were sleeping around? Let's do the whole thing all over again and this time I'll just beat the living crap outta you.
Gordon: I'm leaving. (turns for the door)
Dana: Don't go.
Dana: Don't go! (he pauses) Oh, what the hell. Go.
Gordon: Maybe we can talk more about this later.
Dana: (laughs a little) Yeah, let's talk about this as much as humanly possible. (hands him the engagement ring) This is yours.
Gordon: Thanks. I mean--
Dana: I was a lot funnier than you ever gave me credit for being.
Holly: How's it going over there?
Charlie: I've got nine of them.
Holly: How many are there?
Holly: Oh, you're almost halfway done.
Charlie: Maybe it's okay if I leave a note for my father.
Holly: You don't have to leave a note. We're gonna see him in a minute.
Charlie: Hey, Dan!
Dan: What's up with you not coming by to say hi?
Charlie: I was in here.
Dan: I can see that you're in here. Can you see that over there? That's my office. I make a six and a half second walk from here. What do you think?
Dan: Yeah, sorry don't make the buttercups shine. Who's your friend?
Holly: Hi, I'm Holly. I'm the new nanny. Deborah...
Dan: I lived through the trauma.
Dan: Listen, I need to speak to Charles for a sec, if you feel like taking five.
Holly: Sure. (leaves)
Dan: Three for three with two RBIs, two walks and a stolen base.
Dan: What's a stolen base? (Charlie looks back silently. Dan holds up a tape) I'm gonna pop this tape in here. It's the show your father and I did the night before last.
Dan: (on tape) Ken Griffey, Jr. busting out of a slump at the Kingsdome by going three for three with two RBIs, two walks and a stolen base, raising his season batting aver--(Dan stops the tape.)
Dan: What's going on?
Charlie: W-what do you mean?
Dan: There's nothing wrong with padding your stats over pizza after the game, but I'm a little concerned you feel you need to lie to your dad.
Charlie: I can't play very well.
Dan: Most people can't play very well.
Charlie: I can't play at all.
Dan: Charlie, listen-- (he is interrupted by Casey coming in)
Casey: Hey, big man! Sorry I'm late.
Charlie: (extending hand) Hi, Dad.
Charlie: Charlie, are you selling me an insurance policy? (takes the hand briefly, then bends to kiss Charlie on the head)
Dan: Casey, can I speak to you for a second about Cleveland?
Casey: I just got here.
Dan: Just one second. Then he's all yours.
Casey: I'll be right back. (follows Dan into the hall)
Dan: How'd the interview go?
Dan: Good. Say, listen, I think I know why Charlie's behaving a little strange.
Dan: Yeah. It's because you're a jackass.
Casey: What're you--
Dan: Casey, he can't play. You've seen him play. You know he can't play. What made you think all of a sudden--
Casey: Wait, he lied to me?
Dan: Yeah. And you know what else? It's actually the first time in history that a son has lied to his father, so I would definitely go off the deep end.
Casey: (turns to conference room) Charlie!
Dan: He's such a good little guy.
Charlie: (as Casey enters) Dad, I shouldn't be late for meeting Mom--
Casey: Your mom can deal with it. If she can't, she can learn how. Come with me, please. (Leads Charlie into his office) You know I don't like lying. There's no need for it, Charlie. Did you really think I was going to be mad at you because you didn't play well in a baseball game?
Charlie: I'm sorry.
Casey: I gotta find this out from Dan? And I also think you're old enough to have something more than "I'm sorry."
Charlie: But I can't play. And I lied 'cause I didn't want to embarrass you. I'm sorry.
Casey: Come here. That was really hard for you to say, wasn't it? You were scared during that.
Casey: Well, it didn't show. You were really calm and honest. But I knew you were scared anyway 'cause I'm your father. (sighs deeply) You were worried you might embarrass me. Man. There should be no doubt in anyone's mind that you're my son. And you can't even blame me, 'cause Grandpa started it. And I have a hunch his dad was no picnic, either. (squats down to look Charlie in the eyes) So, Charlie, I am nipping this in the bud right now. Pay close attention. In this lifetime, you will never embarrass me. It's not gonna happen. You play baseball if you want to play baseball, and the only thing you have to do to make me and your mom happy is come home at the end of the day. In your lifetime, you'll never embarrass me. You know why? 'Cause I'm your father. Who'd you think I was?
Holly: Casey, we gotta meet Lisa.
Casey: Then be gone with you both.
Charlie: Bye, Dad. (hugs Casey tightly)
Jeremy: We're in business.
Natalie: What business?
Jeremy: We're in the comeback business.
Natalie: You told me we sold men's accessories.
Jeremy: Try to be with me on this, would you? Listen to me, everybody, stop your work. A writer once wrote: "As if it matters how a man falls down. When the fall is all that's left, it matters very much." What did he mean by that? He meant: do not abandon blowouts. Watching proud and accomplished athletes battle in the face of odds that are virtually hopeless is one of the more stirring sights in all of sports. The Phillies have been down 14 to 1 since the third inning, and I think it's the best game we've got. That is all.
Dana: Picture time. Let's go.
Dana: Natalie, gather everybody up and tell them it's picture time.
Jeremy: Hey, maybe you could start by just drawing a picture, that way (Natalie twists his ear) ow, ow, ow!
Dan & Casey's Office/News Room
Dana: Picture time.
Casey: What happened to your ring?
Dana: What do you mean?
Casey: What happened to your ring?
Dana: My engagement ring?
Dana: It's being cleaned. It's at the ring cleaners.
Casey: I didn't know they had special places for that.
Dana: Yeah. Hey, Charlie looked good.
Casey: Didn't he?
Casey: Wait, I don't understand, you leave the ring overnight?
Casey: Well, how does a ring cleaner carry the kind of insurance premiums to cover--
Dana: Don't worry about it. (walks into news room) It's picture time! It's picture time. I've fixed the glitch, we're good to go, we're ready to roll, let's make some magic!
Dan: I've forgotten -- do the three beeps come before or after the strobe blows up?
Dana: Hold still. Hold those positions. Here we go. Oooh! (runs to get into place, squealing. The camera beeps and everyone stands frozen, but nothing happens)
Dana: All right. Everybody just stay where you are. (gets up) This is nothing, this is a small timing problem. (the films falls out of the camera and Dana gasps, while everyone else chuckles) Casey, if you even say one word....
Natalie: At least the strobe didn't explode. (the strobe explodes)
Dana: All right, that's it! That's absolutely it!
Dan: Hey, where's your ring?
Casey: It's at the cleaners.
Dana: (hysterically and furiously) It's not at the cleaners, you idiot! There's no such thing as an overnight ring cleaners. Gordon and I broke up, which is just the most recent in a series of recent humiliations, and I'm okay with it. I can take it, but this (turning to camera) is really the living end. I have seen enough to know that I have seen enough! And now I want something good to happen. I want something good to happen before the day is over, and I'll be judge of what's good.
Dana: One good thing before the day is over, I swear that's all I want!
Voice Off Screen: Hey, lady! (Dana turns)
Isaac: Are you thinking of getting my show on the air any time soon?
Dana: Isaac! (Dana rushes forward to hug Isaac as everyone claps and cheers)
Isaac: Thank you.
Dana: Thank you.
Natalie: When did you get out of the hospital?
Isaac: This morning.
Kim: (shouting) Isaac, would you like to watch the show from your office?
Isaac: Why is she shouting?
Dana: Hang on, before anybody goes anywhere, I'm gonna give it one more try.
Isaac: Well, what the hell is all this?
Dana: I'm taking a picture and you're going to be in it. I need a minute.
Elliot: Five minutes to air.
Dana: I just need one minute. I know I can get this to work.
Jeremy: (looking at monitor) Here it is, here it is! Last batter, 14 to 1. Here comes your ninth inning rally. Chris, Will, can you get me sound on 40?
Dan: (as he and Casey come up to Isaac) Y'know, Isaac....
Dan: Casey and I were talking before and, well....
Dan: We think you're a bit of cheese danish.
Casey: A strawberry parfait, Isaac.
Isaac: I had a stroke.
Casey: Out six weeks on the DL with a stroke? I've seen gored matadors get up off the floor faster than you.
Dan: You're a bit of a crumb cake there, aren't ya, pal?
Isaac: Let me look at you both. You look good, boys.
Dan: So do you, sir.
Natalie: Dana! Three minutes.
Dana: I'm almost there.
Casey: So what's the problem?
Dana: Well, Casey, it's pretty complicated. This is a sophisticated instrument.
Casey: Uh huh.
Dana: It's not any one thing, and it would be difficult to explain to anyone who didn't have at least an intermediate background in photography, but, by and large, it's that I put the film in backwards. (Casey chuckles) What?
Casey: Nothing, I just think you're funny. (Dana smiles.)
Natalie: Dana, we've really gotta move it.
Dan: Before we do this, can I call my broker real quick and tell him to buy some Eastman Kodak?
Dana: Get in your places. Here we go! (sets camera and runs to get in the picture)
Baseball Announcer: (from monitor feed) .... And Leeder winds up, the 0-2 pitch to Donovan. (crack of a bat)
Jeremy: Hey! (He points and everyone looks up at the TV, just as the camera goes off. The still picture remains frozen as we hear an audio montage of Dan and Casey's on air comments from throughout the season)