Casey & Dan's office:
Natalie: Casey, Dan, let's go.
Casey: (on the phone) Come on, I'm still here.
Natalie: Who's he on the phone with?
Dan: Ted Lewis.
Casey: You're assistant athletic director! don't tell me you weren't on the call.
Natalie: Are you nervous about something?
Natalie: Really? (Dan shakes head)
Casey: All right Ted, I'm going to get my notes right now. (puts call on hold) Natalie, we might have something coming in from Chapel Hill so tell Dana. (exits)
Natalie: You're not nervous about the Esquire piece?
Dan: No. God no.
Natalie: You seem nervous.
Dan: I'm not.
Natalie: Well did you see it yet?
Dan: The Esquire piece?
Natalie: You didn't get an advance copy?
Natalie: I'd be nervous.
Dan: I'm not.
Natalie: So you said.
Dan: No, if I'm nervous about anything, it's that I think I have a stalker.
Natalie: A stalker? Who?
Dan: One of the CSC morning aerobics women.
Dan: Is her name Sandy?
Casey: (from news room) NATALIE!
Natalie: Oh uh.. I'm sorry. You want a minute and a half with a 30 second Q&A?
Dan: Yeah but give me some elbow room and get Kim.
Dan: So if I appear nervous about anything, that's it. It's the prospect of being stalked by a fitness professional. And it's not at all owing to this magazine article is coming out tomorrow. And I can just say one thing about...
Casey: Hey! Would you let her go?
Natalie: Casey! (shows watch)
Casey: (on phone) Yeah Ted, I will mention the word Heisman in connection with Gerardi's name (Dan starts waving his arms to get Casey's attention) for the next 12 weeks, just give me this one.
Dana VO: Dan, Casey, to the studio.
Casey: Can you hang on a second Ted? Thanks. What?
Dan: Natalie says my stalker's name is Mandy.
Casey: Really? (Dan nods) I don't know what the hell we're talking about.
Kim: Hey Casey. Natalie said you need me?
Casey: Yeah, Uh Ted, hold on a second. (puts call on hold, turns to Kim) I want you to work Ted Lewis. Get him to say they're firing Zapod and they're promoting the offensive coordinator, it's on line 12.
Kim: (flirting) Ted, it's Kim! You were in town and you didn't call me.
Casey: And have Elliot flag me as soon as you've got it. (Kim gives thumbs up)
Dan: It's not like I'm not used to being written about.
Casey: Yeah. Sure.
Casey: Once again, I don't know what the hell we're talking about.
Dana: Hey look, everybody. It's two sports anchors and that's a good break for us because we're about to do a sports show.
Casey: Sarcasm, thy name is Dana.
Dave: 30 seconds.
Elliot: Toby Benes has a no-hitter in the 7th.
Dana: Put Benes in the teaser, if he takes it to the 9th, we'll patch it in on 1.
Chris: 14's gone. It's 15.
Dana: We'll get it.
Casey: Got it.
Jeremy: We shouldn't put it in the tease.
Dana: Why not?
Jeremy: It's bad luck.
Dana: It's bad luck.
Jeremy: To talk about a no hitter.
Dana: It's bad luck for the pitcher.
Dana: We don't work for the pitcher.
Jeremy: That puts us in a hell of a dilemma.
Dana: Actually, I'm fine.
Dave: In 3... 2... 1...
Dan: Good evening everybody, from New York City, I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall. Those stories plus: we're gonna hook up with the Big East and the Big Ten.
Casey: And we'll take you to Jacobs Field where Toby Benes is working a no-hitter in the 7th. All that coming up after this, you're watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.
Dave: We're out.
Elliot: We're back in 60.
Casey: So the stalker has a name?
Dan: Yeah, Mandy.
Casey: I thought it was Sandy.
Jeremy: About teasing the no-hitter... it was a tough call. And I just wanted to tell you that while I didn't agree with the decision I have a lot of respect for you for making it.
Elliot: Benes just lost the no-hitter.
Jeremy: (touching Dana's hand) Don't blame yourself.
Dana: Thank you.
Elliot: Oh, Casey how many times are you gonna read it?
Casey: I'm searching for nuance.
Kim: How much trouble is Danny in?
Casey: Look, don't get me wrong. Dan's my closest friend and I like to think of our relationship as selfless, but at the moment I'm not as concerned about him as I am about... how should I say...
Casey: Me, yes. I'm concerned about this sense.. this sense in everything that's written about the two of us that Dan is cool and that I am... what is the word?
Casey: Yes! That Dan is cool and I am not. There is this sense, there is this perception...
Dana: Hey! I need to talk to you.
Casey: There is a perception in the press, never more clear than in this article, that I am not cool. Now, where do you think this perception comes from?
Dana: I think it comes from reality.
Dana: Come, talk to me. (goes into conference room)
Elliot: (to Kim) It could be his haircut.
Casey: I heard that!
Dana: So? How much trouble is Dan gonna be in?
Casey: Well, it depends on if Sachs has seen it.
Dana: Sachs has seen it.
Casey: It's been on the newstand for 4 hours and Sachs has seen it?
Dana: Sachs has seen it.
Casey: Well then we can anticipate a certain degree of trouble.
Dana: Didn't Isaac tell you to keep an eye out for him when the two of you are doing press?
Dana: What happened?
Casey: I'm working out some kinks in the system.
Dana: There's a lawyer over here, with a guy from Standards and Practices...
Casey: We have standards and practices?
Dana: It's a whole wing of the...
Casey: No, I mean we have actual standards and practices?
Dana: So you don't think it's serious?
Casey: I'll tell you what I think is serious is this perception, this sense...
Dana: Casey! (turns over magazine)
Casey: Dana. He belongs to a fly-by-night organization that supports the legalization of marijuana and he said so in a magazine. Is the network gonna be happy about it? No. Is Sachs going to order someone to order someone to slap him in the knuckles? Probably. In the scheme of things--a much larger issue is that I am cool. I'm completely cool, huh?
Dana: You dress cool.
Casey: That's right. Wait, that was a dig wasn't it?
Natalie: (enters room) Casey!
Casey: What, you think it's the clothes?
Dana: I think it's the haircut. (exits)
Casey: Excuse me?
Natalie: She said she thinks it's the haircut.
Casey: Thank you. Look, now what can i do for you?
Natalie: Jeremy is cutting his first highlight package today.
Natalie: It's the Cubs-Marlins game today at Wrigley.
Casey: That's fine.
Natalie: It's a day game.
Natalie: There'll be plenty of time to make any changes that need to be made.
Natalie: Will you look at it when he's done and give him feedback?
Dan and Casey's office
Casey: Is there anything else?
Natalie: Well, uh, don't you want to know why I'm not doing it?
Casey: If you think you need to tell me.
Natalie: I may have certain feelings for Jeremy.
Natalie: I think it's possible that I have feelings.
Natalie: I think these feelings could interfere with my judgement as far as his work is concerned.
Casey: I admire your professionalism.
Natalie: These feelings have been growing inside of me like a rush or surge...
Casey: I think this is a little more than i need to know about this...
Natalie: Fine. (gets up to leave)
Casey: Okay thanks.
Dan: (enters) Hey.
Natalie: (turning back to Casey) You'll be nice to him?
Natalie: It's his first time.
Casey: I know.
Natalie: Be nice.
Casey: I will.
Natalie: (to Dan) Jeremy's cutting his first highlight tape. Casey's gonna look at it.
Natalie: Yeah, I'd look at it myself but I have certain feelings...
Natalie: Fine! (exits)
Casey: Hey, speaking of certain feelings, I couldn't help but notice by the elevators this morning that Mandy the aerobics stalker seemed to be showing no interest in you whatsoever.
Dan: That's how the game is played.
Casey: Oh yeah.
Dan: Her disinterest was a performance.
Casey: Well, she's good.
Dan: I'll say.
Casey: Hey what time is your meeting?
Dan: Right now.
Dan: Isaac's office.
Casey: And yet you're here.
Dan: Yeah i'm making them wait for me.
Dan: It's part of my strategy.
Casey: Yeah well it sounds pretty sophisticated.
Casey: Danny... we did the interview for this piece 3 months ago. I don't want to pile on or anything but when you know something like this is going to happen, you might want to tell me about it in advance.
Dan: Casey, they completely missed the point. I didn't know they were going to completely miss the point 3 months in advance.
Casey: Well what was the point?
Dan: The point was that any law that makes criminals out of 15 million Americans is probably not such a good idea. The point was that drug abuse isn't a criminal issue, it's a health care issue. And the money and manpower that we spend prosecuting a surfer in San Diego might better be used fighting things that generally threaten our national health and safety, that was the point.
Casey: Well then they completely missed the point.
Casey: Hey can I change the subject for a second?
Casey: What's up with me not being cool?
Dan: What is up with that?
Casey: I love music. I have a great appreciation of music.
Dan: Dude, I've been in your car and you've got the Starland Vocal Band singing "Afternoon Delight."
Casey: That's right. Wait--I do not have the Starland Vocal Band, it's not like I went out and bought the single. It's on my Time-Life Sounds of the 70's.
Dan: Well, there you have it.
Casey: (sighs) How can i be cool again? I'm a newly divorced man, I'm young, I used to be cool. I need to be cool again. Help me be cool again.
Dan: Well, first i'd have to disabuse you of the notion that you were ever cool before.
Casey: All right. Go to your meeting.
Dan: I told you. I'm making them wait.
Casey: No, you're making them mad.
Dan: No, I am making them anxious. (Isaac enters office behind Dan)
Casey: I think you're just making them mad. I think Isaac specifically is mad.
Dan: No, Isaac's on my team. Isaac understands me. Isaac has a highly developed sense of right and wrong and he is hip to my battle plan.
Casey: Danny, he's standing right behind you.
Dan: How you doing? Casey and I were just talking about your highly developed sense of right and wrong and I was just saying...
Isaac: Go sit your sorry ass down in that meeting.
Dan: On my way, sir. (exits)
Casey: Hey Isaac?
Casey: You think I'm cool, don't you?
Isaac: (pause) Do I look like I'm in the mood to do this now?
Casey: Not really.
Isaac: Then let's assume that I'm not. (exits)
Dan: I was not encouraging people to take drugs. That's ridiculous.
Chase: That's how it reads.
Dan: That's not how it reads to me.
Chase: That's how it reads to us.
Dan: You're reading it wrong.
Chase: That's how it reads to Luther Sachs.
Stanley: I don't know if you've noticed, but we're fighting a war against drugs in this country.
Dan: How's it going so far?
Stanley: You may find this amusing...
Dan: Actually, I don't find it in the least amusing.
Stanley: Howard Stern did 15 minutes on you this morning. He said that Dan Rydell lends a whole new meaning to the word "highlights."
Dan: Howard Stern is a professional comedian. That's his job.
Stanley: We're already had a call from the Partnership for a Drug Free America.
Dan: I happen to be a member of that organization.
Chase: Dan, I understand your position and I don't necessarily disagree with it, but this is a sports network. Our sponsors expect us to project an image of good health and clean living.
Dan: I'll remember that next time I'm reporting on how the Miller Geniune Draft car did in the Winston Cup.
Stanley: Now listen, I don't think...
Isaac: Fellas, he's got a show to prepare. How do we fix this?
Chase: Luther Sachs suggests an apology.
Dan: An apology?
Chase: He suggests you take a moment tonight during your broadcast...
Dan: He wants an on-air apology?
Chase: He's suggesting...
Dan: To whom?
Stanley: To you! He's suggesting to you.
Dan: To whom does he want me to apologize?
Chase: To your viewers.
Dan: What did I to do my viewers?
Chase: The ones who may have read this and misinterpreted.
Dan: No, Luther Sachs misinterpreted.
Stanley: Luther Sachs is the CEO of a very large company.
Dan: Well, thank him for his suggestion, but tell him I'm going to respectfully pass.
Chase: Why don't we just skip down to the end of the page. You, like every other on-air personality at this network, has a morals clause in your contract.
Dan: Are you now saying what I did was immoral? Because Luther Sachs disagrees with me?
Stanley: Most of the country disagrees with you!
Dan: The validity of your read on what most of the country thinks notwithstanding, Stanley... actions are immoral. Opinions are not. And I won't apologize for mine. Discussion is good and for those of us fortunate enough to be the subject of magazine articles it may be our responsibility from time to time to raise the level of debate.
Chase: Plus there's the health insurance issue.
Dan: Health insurance?!
Dan: What does my insurance policy have to do...
Stanley: Our insurance policy.
Chase: You're quoted in the article as saying you haven't taken drugs in 11 years. 11 years today, as a matter of fact.
Dan: And that's true.
Stanley: 11 is an odd number.
Dan: Yeah, and it's also a prime number.
Chase: He meant that it's an unusual number. He meant that you were specific. You didn't say '10 or 15 years', you said '11 years ago today.' Now this caught the attention of our insurance company because this is normally the kind of information that only a recovering addict or alcoholic has at their fingertips.
Dan: Hell, Isaac! Please!
Stanley: We carry an expensive policy on you Dan. Now you took a physical and you answered questions. Now we could be on the hook for insurance fraud.
Isaac: I'm ending this now.
Dan: Thank you.
Isaac: Do what they're telling you to do.
Dan: You think I should apologize?
Isaac: No, but you're going to anyways.
Isaac: Because this is television and this is how it's done.
Dan: Yeah, well, sitting at the back of the bus was how it was done until a 42 year old lady moved up front. I'm not very impressed with how things are done, Isaac.
Isaac: Be that as it may. We'll do it tonight, that's all. We're done. (Chase exits)
Stanley: You know you might...
Isaac: We're done, Stanley. (Stanley exits)
Dan: Well, that was a lot of fun huh?
Isaac: Yeah. Take 30 seconds before the second commercial break then get us right back into the show.
Dan: You know, I don't have any idea what i'm going to say.
Isaac: You'll think of something.
Dan: I don't know what I'm supposed to say.
Dan: To who?
Isaac: Who cares? (pause) Danny?
Isaac: You know I love you, don't you?
Isaac: And because I love you that I can say this: no rich, young, white guy ever got anywhere with me comparing himself to Rosa Parks. Got it?
Dan: Yes, sir.
Casey: Hey Jeremy, you got a second?
Jeremy: You bet.
Casey: I looked over your Cubs/Marlins tape.
Casey: And it's good.
Jeremy: Thank you.
Casey: It's very good.
Casey: Especially for your first time out.
Jeremy: Thank you very much.
Casey: I guess the, ah, one note I would have for you would be about length.
Casey: Yeah. Usually we get, ah, 30 to 40 seconds for each game. A little bit more if it's a game chock full of spectacular highlights and/or playoff consequences and a little bit less if it goes the other way, but.. 30 to 40 seconds is usually the rule of thumb.
Jeremy: I see. And how long did mine run?
Casey: 8 and a half minutes.
Jeremy: That's long.
Casey: Yeah it ran a little over. Yeah.
Jeremy: I don't know what to do.
Casey: You should make it shorter.
Jeremy: I tried everything.
Casey: You should try making it shorter.
Jeremy: What's the key?
Casey: In this case?
Casey: Making it a lot shorter.
Jeremy: I can't imagine what i'd cut.
Casey: Well, you start off with Cedric, the leadoff batter, at the top of the first inning, despite the fact that nobody scored until the 5th inning.
Jeremy: There's action beyond scoring.
Casey: Yeah, but Cedric grounded out to the short stop and was thrown out at first by quite a large margin.
Casey: Well that is what is called a routine ground ball. In your search for things that are newsworthy, let the word 'routine' serve as a danger sign.
Jeremy: There's nothing routine about it. Casey, the guy's hitting .327 since the All-Star break, he's drawn 22 walks in the leadoff position and he's a threat to steal second everytime you put him on. He fouled off seven pitches.
Casey: And you show each and every one of them.
Jeremy: You bet I do.
Casey: We usually just show the pitch that puts the ball into play.
Jeremy: But then you miss the battle.
Casey: The battle?
Jeremy: He started him off with a fastball up and in, then slider away, slider away, comes back with a split finger change, drops the curve off the table, sets him up off speed, then... jams him high and tight, that's what got him out.
Casey: It was a ground ball to the shortstop.
Jeremy: The inevitable conclusion to a job well done.
Casey: (sighs) We have 14 baseball games to cover.
Casey: 30 seconds apiece.
Casey: Your tape is 8 and a half minutes.
Jeremy: I'm at a loss.
Casey: You gotta make it shorter!
Jeremy: I'm just not seeing it.
Casey: All right, come with me. Come on. (leads Jeremy into editing room)
Dana: Animation 18 is a full screen wash. Is it over the shoulder?
Dave: I think it's over the shoulder.
Chris: It's over the shoulder.
Dana: And that's...
Natalie: 2 for 9 inside the red zone.
Dana: Dave, is it the monitors or is the background on the drop starting to look beige?
Dave: It's not beige, it's tan
Will: It's the gels.
Chris: It's not the gels. It's the monitors.
Will: It's the gels.
Dana: Well, take a look at it. It's starting to give me a headache.
Chris: Do you want some asprin?
Dana: I want you to fix the monitors.
Will: It's the gels.
Dana: Take it outside.
Natalie: Back here at 10.
Dana: Oh! Dan needs a little time before the second break. We'll come out of Kyle's remote, Casey will throw it to Dan for 45 seconds and he'll take us to commercial.
Kim: He's really going to apologize?
Elliot: To who?
Dana: I don't write Dan's scripts.
Natalie: Thank you everybody. (everyone exits)
Dana: Have you checked on the guys?
Natalie: Dan's in research and Casey's in editing with Jeremy.
Dana: Do they need anything?
Natalie: Casey needs a woman.
Dana: Casey needs a woman?
Natalie: He needs a woman.
Dana: Don't start that!
Natalie: He needs a woman, Dana. He's a single man living his life in an empty apartment.
Dana: He got divorced 2 weeks ago.
Natalie: He needs spoons. He needs forks. He needs a woman.
Dana: I don't want to talk about this. Run me through the promo. Now should we be...
Natalie: He's reaching out!
Dana: He's not reaching out.
Natalie: He's reaching right out to you.
Dana: He's not reaching anywhere near me.
Natalie: You're missing the signs.
Dana: I'm not missing the signs. Wait, really?
Natalie: (walking away) Reaching right out to you.
Casey: We've been at this for 2 hours now. Which is just slightly longer than your coverage of the seventh inning stretch.
Natalie: (knocks on window) How's it going in there?
Casey: It's going real good.
Jeremy: Casey and I are having some really healthy creative differences.
Natalie: Casey listens to the Starland Vocal Band so I wouldn't take any stock...
Casey: Go away from me now!
Natalie: (leaving) Shout if you need me!
Casey: Okay this section here where the batter taps dirt of his shoe and spits four times...
Jeremy: We can't cut that!
Jeremy: No, the storm clouds are gathering.
Casey: (sighs) All right just out of curiousity, what voiceover would you have me write for this?
Jeremy: What's wrong with 'the storm clouds are gathering?'
Casey: The storm clouds aren't gathering, he's cleaning his shoe!
Jeremy: He's breaking Carrera's pitching rhythm.
Casey: The battle?
Jeremy: The battle.
Casey: The battle. Look...
Jeremy: If people just want to hear the score they can listen to the radio. We have an opportunity to effect their appreciation of baseball.
Casey: God knows you've effected mine.
Dana: (enters) Casey what're you working on?
Casey: An epic miniseries
Jeremy: It's Cubs/Marlins.
Dana: I gotta make room for Danny's apology. Just give me the double off the wall, the homer in the fifth, and the error at third.
Jeremy: That's a travesty!
Dana: I need it in my hands right now. Casey, we're on the air in 15 minutes. (exits)
Casey: All right. I gotta go change, Jeremy. The storm clouds are gathering.
Dana: Also Lyle's interview's gonna be live.
Casey: I got that note.
Dana: You got it?
Casey: I did.
Dana: I wasn't sure you got it.
Casey: I did.
Dana: Casey... do you have spoons?
Casey: I'm sorry?
Dana: Do you have spoons and a fork?
Casey: Do I have spoons and a fork?
Dana: To eat with.
Casey: Yeah, I know what they're for.
Dana: I just thought 'cuz you've only been in the new apartment a couple of weeks, and with these hours maybe you haven't had a chance...
Casey: No, I've bought myself spoons and a fork.
Casey: OK, well, I gotta..
Dana: You got a whisk?
Casey: A whisk?
Casey: That's the thing you...
Dana: For scrambled eggs. You stir it really fast in a bowl. (pantomimes stirring)
Casey: I can't just use the fork?
Dana: Truthfully, yes.
Casey: I gotta go. (exits)
Dana: Yeah. Yeah. Um, showtime. All right! Let's go everybody! Let's get in the zone!
Casey: ...where the Bears were 2 for 9 inside the red zone. For that we'll take you to Kelly Kirkpatrick in Chicago. Kelly.
Kelly: Thanks, Casey.
Dave: Dan, Casey, we'll be back on you in 45 seconds.
Dana: Casey, just a heads up. Take your time on the scoreboard filler, we're going to have a 20 second gap on the recap.
Casey: Got it.
Dan: Know who I didn't see today?
Casey: Mandy the healthy stalker?
Dan: That's right.
Casey: That's because she's not stalking you.
Natalie: Did you talk to him about...
Natalie: Did he?
Natalie: Did you talk to him about spoons and forks?
Dave: 20 seconds.
Dana: Come in for a landing Kelly.
Isaac: (enters) Is it just me, or is the set turning beige?
Will: It's the gels.
Chris: It's the monitors.
Dave: In 10...
Isaac: Jeremy, you did a good job on that Cubs/Marlins game.
Jeremy: I only wish you could've seen the tape before the life was sucked out of it by forces entirely beyond my control.
Isaac: I know exactly how you feel.
Dana: Quiet, please.
Dave: Casey, stand by.
Kelly: ...take you back to our Sports Night studio in New York.
Casey: Thank you Kelly Kirkpatrick. We'll be bringing you more of that story on NFL Kickoff, Sunday morning at 10:00 Eastern Standard time and 1:00 if you're watching us in Brussels. Dan?
Dan: This network, the Continental Sports Channel, has asked me to clarify some remarks I made in a publication that hit your newsstands this morning. It is possible that one could come away from this article with the impression that I don't believe that drugs are a desctructive and deadly force on our culture, our economy and on the lives of our children. (long pause)
Dave: Talk to me Dana.
Dana: Stay with him.
Natalie: Casey, be ready to take us to commercial.
Isaac: Come on Daniel.
Dan: I have a younger brother named Sam. Sam's a genius. I mean literally. As a kid, he tested off the charts. The first computer I ever had, he built from a kit he bought earning money tutoring other kids in math. He's energetic and articulate, curious and funny. A great source of pride to our parents. And there's no doubt that he'd be living a great life right now, except for that he's dead. 'Cuz when you're 14 years old, all you ever really wanna be when you grow up is your 16 year old brother, and in my case that meant smoking a lot of dope. The day I went off to college, was the day that Sam got his driver's license and he celebrated by taking a drive with some of his friends... drunk and high as a paper kite. He never saw the red light that he ran, and he probably never saw the 18 wheel truck that put him in the side of a brick bank either. (pause) That was 11 years ago tonight. And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry Sam. You deserved better in my hands. And I apologize. (deep breath) That's it. Casey and I will be right back after this with the American League wrap up. You're watching Sports Night on CSC, so don't go away.
Dave: We're out. (Starland Vocal Band's Afternoon Delight begins)
Casey: Can I just say one more thing about the Starland Vocal Band?
Casey: 1978, they win the Grammy for Best New Artist. Know who they beat? Elvis Costello. Now is it your belief that Elvis Costello isn't cool?
Dan: No, it's my belief that the Grammy voters aren't cool.
Casey: Now they tell me.
Dan: Hey I've been trying to tell...
Casey: Who else isn't cool that I thought was cool? Is Nicholson cool?
Casey: J.D. Salinger?
Casey: The Muppets?
Dan: Yes, but not Barney.
Casey: There's a subtle distinction.
Dan: You gotta feel it.
Casey: Zamphir, master of the pan flute?
Dan: Very, very cool.