CASEY Just take it easy on him.
CASEY I'm saying as a friend.
DANA Why do you think I'm gonna go off the deep end?
CASEY 'Cause that's what you do.
DANA That's not what I do.
CASEY It is, and I'm saying that you--
DANA He's my brother.
DANA And if I want to go off the deep end, I'll go off the deep end.
CASEY You have every right to be upset.
DANA Thank you, Casey. Thank you for granting me that permission.
CASEY Do you see how you're snappin' at me?
CASEY And I'm not your little brother and I didn't just get busted?
CASEY This is what I mean by going off the deep end.
DANA Ok. You see how I'm getting ready for the show right now?
DANA And that's what you should be doing too?
DANA That's what I mean by "mind your own business."
CASEY Look, Dana--
DANA You know what? My brother just got busted by the league for steroids, and my show not only broke, but will continue to report the story. I think, under the circumstances, I'm keeping it pretty well together.
CASEY I agree. My concern is the eruption that'll occur when he shows up tomorrow night.
DANA Let's go.
CASEY To say nothing of the staff.
DANA What about the staff?
CASEY Well, I think they've noticed. (Casey and Dana walk and talk.)
CASEY That you're a little edgy.
DANA Is that right?
DANA They've noticed that?
DANA Tell the staff they're gonna notice my boot in their ass if they don't give me some room and shut the hell up.
CASEY Mmm, I'll pass it around. (Dana walks off, Natalie walks over.)
NATALIE I'm your Secret Santa.
CASEY I'm sorry?
NATALIE I picked your name. I'm your Secret Santa.
CASEY It's not much of a secret now, is it?
NATALIE Nope. Cat's out of the bag. Tell me what you want by the end of tomorrow. If it's less than 50 bucks and they sell it within two blocks of the building, it's yours.
CASEY You're really swept up into the spirit of the season, aren't you?
NATALIE Yeah, yeah. Two minutes!
CHRIS 1A and 5. Stand by sound.
DAN What are you doing Christmas Eve?
CASEY We've got a show on Christmas Eve.
DAN After the show.
CASEY I dunno.
DAN I'm thinking about going to Midnight Mass.
DAN Thinkin' about it.
CASEY Eight years of Hebrew school weren't enough for you?
DAN I hear they put on a good show.
CASEY The original cast, maybe, but that thing's been running for a little while now.
DAN I suppose.
CASEY Babe Ruth.
DAN We're not naming Babe Ruth athlete of the century.
CASEY Why not?
DAN 'Cause he wasn't.
CASEY He could play.
DAN He could hit.
CASEY He could hit far.
DAN He had to hit far 'cause you know what he couldn't do?
DAVE Roll VTR.
CASEY Thank you, Alyson.
DAVE 60 seconds.
DAN Let me toss one out here: Babe Didrikson Zaharias.
DAN And javelin.
CASEY Who cares about hurdles?
DAN I'm saying when you add in the javelin, though, Babe--
DAN Babe Didrikson Zaharias, athlete of the century.
CASEY She's not athlete of the century, Danny. So far she ranks second in a list of athletes named Babe.
DAN You won't come with me to midnight mass?
DAN There'll be singing.
DAVE 30 seconds.
NATALIE You still seem kind of edgy.
DANA I'm not.
NATALIE You sure?
NATALIE And before?
DANA Wasn't then either.
NATALIE My asking you if you're edgy--
NATALIE Is it making you more edgy?
DANA I'm not edgy so I can't be more edgy.
NATALIE Ok. Anybody know which of these coffees is mine?
JEREMY They're all the same, aren't they?
NATALIE No, I spit in mine. (Dana spits out the coffee she's drinking.) That was a little test to see if you're edgy.
NATALIE And you're edgy.
DANA Thank you.
DAVE In 3, 2...
DAN Good evening. From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall. Those stories plus...
Dan & Casey's Office
DAN How you doin'?
NATALIE Good. I was wondering if you had a chance to look at it.
DAN It's good.
NATALIE That's all?
DAN It's excellent.
NATALIE You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?
NATALIE My reel.
NATALIE My audition tape.
DAN Yes, Natalie. It's...very good.
NATALIE You haven't watched it yet.
DAN I'm sorry.
NATALIE This is important to me.
DAN I know it is.
NATALIE When have I not been there for me?
DAN You've never not been there for me, I--
NATALIE I'm coming to you for guidance.
DAN And guidance you will get.
CASEY What's going on?
NATALIE Dan's a loser.
CASEY What are you in here for?
NATALIE Coming to him for guidance.
NATALIE You know what you want yet?
CASEY Yeah, I've been vacillating between--
NATALIE Name it by sundown or you're getting socks. (Natalie leaves.)
CASEY Ok. She's my Secret Santa.
CASEY Like something out of a fairy-tale dream.
DAN I got Jeremy.
CASEY I got Isaac.
DAN What are you getting him?
CASEY What indeed? See, here's my problem--
DAN Know before you wade hip-deep into this that I don't really care what your problem is.
CASEY I'm gonna go talk to Isaac.
DAN Thanks for stopping by.
CASEY You bet.
CASEY How you doin'?
CASEY I am your Secret Santa.
ISAAC Not much of a secret anymore.
CASEY Be that as it may, I am gonna get you a gift you'll like this year.
ISAAC I always like the gifts you get me.
CASEY No, you don't.
ISAAC Yes, I do.
CASEY Then how come you never wear anything?
ISAAC You got me a blender last year.
CASEY That was a good blender.
ISAAC Yeah, I know.
CASEY It had 12 speeds.
ISAAC It was a good blender.
CASEY Could have run that thing at Le Mans.
ISAAC I'm not wearing the damn blender, Casey.
CASEY Yeah, but you're not using it, either.
ISAAC How do you know?
CASEY Well, because if you're using it, you'd come in, you'd say "hey, I used the blender this weekend. We barbequed."
ISAAC I can barbeque in the blender?
CASEY Well, next to the blender.
ISAAC I use the blender.
CASEY No, you don't.
ISAAC Well, I don't blend that much.
CASEY What do you want?
ISAAC Anything you get me will be fine.
CASEY That's not good enough.
ISAAC A cheese grater.
ISAAC Get me a cheese grater.
ISAAC Yeah, I love to grate cheese. A lot of different kinds, Casey, and they're not cheap.
CASEY I had no idea you had this kind of love for, uh--
ISAAC Oh, yeah.
CASEY I'm your guy.
ISAAC There's no getting around that.
JEREMY Jim Thorpe.
JEREMY It's gotta be Jim Thorpe.
DANA He's on the list.
JEREMY He was the greatest athlete in the world.
DANA We heard you.
JEREMY You know what King Gustav V of Sweden said to Jim Thorpe?
JEREMY He said "Sir, you are the greatest athlete in the world."
DANA Thank you. Natalie?
NATALIE Señor Edson Arantes Di Nascimento.
NATALIE Known to his friends as Pelé.
DAN It's not gonna be Pelé.
NATALIE Don't you think before you dis my choice you should do favors that people have asked you to do?
DAN I'm getting to it.
NATALIE 5-minute tape, he's had it for three days.
DAN It's not gonna be Pelé.
NATALIE Greatest player ever at the most popular sport in the world.
DAN Do you know how many times you'd have to kill me before I'd name a soccer player athlete of the century?
NATALIE Let's find out.
DAN I'm gonna look at the tape.
NATALIE It's important to me.
DAN I hear you. (Casey enters)
DANA Let's come back with some more ideas. Next rundown's at 6:00.
CASEY What did I miss?
KIM Jim Thorpe and Pelé.
CASEY Do you know what King Gustav V of Sweden said about Jim Thorpe?
ELLIOT Yeah, as a matter of fact, we do.
CASEY Ok. Dana? (Casey follows Dana out of the conference room.) I know what to get Isaac.
CASEY A cheese grater.
DANA Yeah, you think he's gonna like a cheese grater?
CASEY Well, in fact, he told me he would, with a restaurant-grade die-cast stainless-steel granulating drum.
CASEY I looked in a catalog. Dana.
DANA Leave me alone.
CASEY When's he getting here?
CASEY It's not like you don't see this in sports all the time.
DANA I don't see it in my family all the time.
CASEY The guy's a 240-pound linebacker dealing with a 350-pound pulling guard, Dana, who's probably also souped up. Kyle's just trying to keep himself in the game. He's try--
DANA Don't defend him, and don't tell me how to be. He was part of a conspiracy to buy steroids that God knows what side effects and long-term damage could cause. He's gonna get suspended for eight games, so there goes the postseason. He's making just over league minimum, and he's gonna get hit with probably a $50,000 fine, and, if the local D.A. feels like running for something next year, he could also go to jail, to say nothing of the fact that his name is now also synonymous with everything bad about sports.
CASEY And all I'm saying is he's got enough people telling him that right now: papers, talk radio, agents, lawyers, the league, his teammates, his sister's own television show, and maybe he doesn't need any more guests at that party. And maybe the best role that you can play right now is as his sister, Dana, is all I'm saying. That and don't be so edgy.
DANA I'm not edgy. I'm not edgy. (Dana goes in the control room and closes the door behind her, shattering a window.) Well, that'll need to be fixed.
Dan & Casey's Office
DAN I've looked at the tape.
NATALIE For real?
DAN Quiz me.
NATALIE What's the third segment?
DAN Yankee Stadium.
NATALIE What am I wearing?
DAN Red flannel Vinatelli suit with pearl stud earrings.
NATALIE How many segments are already--
DAN I watched the tape.
NATALIE Thank you.
DAN I liked it. I was really impressed.
DAN No buts, I thought it was really good. You made some changes from the old tape.
DAN I liked them.
NATALIE You thought it was good?
DAN I-- I really did.
NATALIE That really means a lot to me, Danny.
DAN I mean it.
NATALIE So, you'll talk to Dana?
DAN About what?
NATALIE Putting me in the pool.
DAN For substitute anchor?
DAN This very day.
CASEY (enters, carrying 2 bags) Hey.
NATALIE Hey, Casey. I love you, Danny. You're the best.
CASEY Hang on.
CASEY I thought I was the best.
NATALIE Things change. (Natalie leaves.)
CASEY Ah. Let me tell you about my cheese grater experience.
DAN I need to talk to you.
CASEY Well, is it more important than my cheese grater experience? Because let me tell you something--
DAN Almost anything that would summon the energy for me to speak is gonna be more important than your cheese grater experience.
DAN So, I looked at Natalie's reel.
DAN It was fine.
CASEY But you told her it was great.
CASEY You told her you had no notes.
CASEY You said it was fantastic.
DAN I bolstered her confidence.
CASEY You lied to her.
DAN Not so much lying as I--
DAN It's what I do.
CASEY You're such a nimrod.
DAN I know.
CASEY What're you gonna do?
DAN I don't know. (They leave for the Conference Room)
NATALIE Secretariat was a horse.
JEREMY Thanks for clearing that up. He won the final leg of the '73 Triple Crown by 31 lengths. He was the most successful horse in the history of racing, and the most successful stud as well.
ELLIOT Hey, if that's gonna be the criteria, then why don't we--
JEREMY When he died, they did an autopsy. You know what they found?
DAN Unless you say Jesse Owens, you're not gonna in this argument.
JEREMY They found his heart was twice the size of a normal one.
CASEY Secretariat died of an enlarged heart?
JEREMY No, I'm saying he had the heart of a champion.
NATALIE And I'm saying he had the heart of a horse.
JEREMY Is it possible we're going about this all wrong?
DANA I wouldn't put it past us.
JEREMY Instead of athlete of the century--
DAN Wait for it.
JEREMY Athlete of the millennium.
DANA Athlete of the millennium.
DANA You're saying we go back to the court of Ferdinand and Isabella and look for--
JEREMY Sure. Ferdinand, the Aztecs, Richard the Lionheart...Genghis Khan could bring it.
DANA Anything else?
NATALIE Back in two hours.
JEREMY Sir Thomas More.
DAN Can I talk to you for a moment?
JEREMY The Plantagenets, you know, were very tough to beat.
DAN Ok, so, listen, so I looked at Natalie's reel.
DAN And it's good, but she wants me to recommend her to Dana for a spot in he rotation, and, while I definitely think she'll get there one day, she's not there yet.
JEREMY Tell her that.
DAN You think?
JEREMY Be honest.
DAN Well, the thing is--
JEREMY It's too late for that?
JEREMY You got to tell her.
DAN I know.
JEREMY This is important to her.
DAN I know.
JEREMY If you don't tell her, I'm gonna have to.
DAN It's funny you should bring that up.
JEREMY In your dreams.
DAN I'd like you to bear in mind that I am your Secret Santa.
JEREMY What are you getting me?
DAN I was gonna take you to Midnight Mass.
JEREMY Talk to her, Danny.
DAN Yeah. Yeah.
ISAAC Yes, sir?
CASEY I've been shopping.
ISAAC I can see that.
CASEY You would be amazed at how many different kinds of cheese graters there are.
ISAAC After working with you for 3 and a half years, very little amazes me.
CASEY Now, I bought 12 of the best cheese graters I could find. I thought you could pick the one you want, and then I'll just give the rest to, you know, people who need cheese graters.
ISAAC Plenty of those people around the holidays.
CASEY Yeah. Anyway, I thought you'd know which one was best, so if you want to just--
ISAAC I don't know anything about cheese graters.
CASEY Uh, what do you mean?
ISAAC I mean I'm not more qualified to pick a good--
CASEY You said you like to grate cheese.
ISAAC Well, it's not something I hate.
CASEY Isaac, I wanted to get you something that you wanted.
ISAAC I don't like instructing people on what to buy me.
CASEY Yeah, but then you end up with a cheese grater.
ISAAC Mmm, I love my cheese grater.
CASEY Which one?
ISAAC Grab that one off the top. A famous monk once said, "I don't always know what the right thing is to do, my Lord, but I think the fact that I want to please you pleases you."
CASEY But you would have preferred a book of famous monk quotations.
ISAAC No, you put some thought into me. What could be a greater gift?
CASEY I look like an idiot.
ISAAC Added bonus.
CASEY Yeah, I suppose. You know, there's still plenty of time left. I'm gonna find you something you want.
CASEY See you later.
ISAAC Ok. (Casey leaves. Isaac takes an award off his bookshelf, replacing it with the cheese grater Casey gave him.)
DAN Hey there.
DAN How you doin'?
NATALIE I'm late for a rundown. So are you.
NATALIE Uh, did you talk to Dana yet?
DAN You've got a lot of potential. You know your stuff, you can write, and you look good.
NATALIE So what's the problem?
DAN You're a couple of years away from being ready.
NATALIE A couple of years?
DAN Yeah, if you're lucky.
NATALIE Dan, you--
DAN I was blowing you off before. I'm sorry.
NATALIE A couple of years?
DAN 'Cause that's how hard it is to make this look easy. I once thought being a field-goal kicker looked easy 'til 11 guys running after me demonstrated why I should never try it again.
NATALIE Are you telling me to never try it again?
DAN No, I'm telling you that a) it wasn't as easy as it looked, and b) if I'd have kept at it despite early frustrations, I might have been a field-goal kicker.
NATALIE Is that what you really wanted to do?
DAN No, I wanted to do this. What do you want to do?
NATALIE Just something more.
DAN Then keep doing what you're doing, 'cause you're headed in the right direction.
NATALIE Thanks, Danny.
DAN Sure. (Natalie slaps Dan.) Ow.
NATALIE That was for lying to me all day.
DAN I was-- (Natalie slaps Dan again.)
NATALIE And that was for doing it during this holiday season of peace and joy.
DAN Ok. (Natalie kisses Dan on the cheek.)
NATALIE We have a meeting.
DAN Thank you.
JEREMY Melankomas, he fought in the year 49 A.D.
JEREMY Melankomas of Caria. He was 53-0.
CASEY So was Jersey Joe Walcott.
JEREMY Yes, but the difference is this: Melankomas won all 53 of his fights without ever throwing a punch.
NATALIE He never threw a punch?
JEREMY He never threw a punch and he never got hit.
DAN I don't understand.
JEREMY Me either.
DAN He won 53 fights without ever throwing a punch or without ever getting hit?
DAN Would he just talk his way into the opponent surrendering?
JEREMY Possibly. And if that's the case, then Sports Night's certainly found its poster boy.
DANA If he fought in 49 A.D., then he's a thousand years too young. Melankomas is the athlete of the last millennium.
JEREMY You see, I say he was man enough for both millennia.
DANA I say we go with Muhammad Ali and be done with it.
ALL (simultaneous) Muhammad Ali.
JEREMY Ali's great, but I still say he wouldn't get by Melankomas.
NATALIE Not unless he, you know, hit him once.
DANA What's next?
ELLIOT Your brother's here. He's in your office.
DANA Thank you. I'll be back in a minute. (Dana leaves.)
CASEY I was thinking, if you want, you could make a tape of my favorite songs, you know, a party mix, something I could play in the car. It'd be kind of fun for you 'cause then you could go around asking people what my favorite songs are, like a little holiday detective.
NATALIE (plops socks onto the table) Here.
KYLE Dana, I'm--
DANA Shut up. I'm so mad at you I could cry. Mom and dad are totally freaked.
KYLE I'm gonna see them at the end of the week.
KYLE I'm sorry.
DANA Do you remember the hours, the years, the studying, the weight rooms, the practices, the two-a-days--
KYLE You don't have to tell me how hard it is to play pro ball, Dana. I play pro ball.
DANA Who turned you on to this stuff?
DANA I know that locker room. Was it Jason?
DANA Was it Jason?
KYLE It's not important.
DANA What the hell kind of judge are you of what's important? I have stood and cheered for you since your were 10 years old, from the second you picked up a football. I have lived and died with your games. I walked around here last Monday night strutting. "Did you see my brother play?" I've had to report this idiot story four days straight. Do you have any idea the kind of... (Dana stops to breathe, appearing to see Kyle for the first time) You look tired.
KYLE I'm a little tired, yeah.
DANA You got a lot of people mad at you.
DANA Your teammates?
DANA The fans?
DANA Mom and dad?
DANA I'm not done being your big sister yet, and it seems to me that these are the moments that big sisters get paid for, so, what do you say I be the one person in your life that isn't pissed at you right now? It's gonna be ok. You're gonna face the music, and you'll work hard in the off-season, and you'll be back, only this time, not quite so stupid. Meantime, I'm your sister, and I'm here for whatever you need. Come say hi to everyone.
KYLE No, no, no, I don't think I should.
DANA It'll be fine.
KYLE I can't face Casey and Dan.
DANA They want to see you.
KIM 60 seconds live.
DAN They sing, they dance, they pray, they tell stories.
JEREMY They don't dance.
DAN How do you know?
JEREMY Do they dance?
NATALIE At Midnight Mass?
JEREMY Tell him.
NATALIE They don't dance, Danny.
DAN All right, well, they sing and tell stories.
DANA Look who's here.
DAN How you doin'?
DANA I'll be inside.
CASEY How you holdin' up?
KYLE I feel like an idiot.
DAN Welcome to my world.
CASEY You got the right lawyer?
KYLE I think so. I've-- I've never been in this--
CASEY Well, talk to me after the show. You should, uh, get the guy that handled my ex-wife in the divorce.
CASEY Yeah, I wash his car every Sunday.
KYLE Thanks. Dana's a good girl.
DAVE 30 seconds live.
KYLE I'll go back.
DAVE 15 seconds live.
DANA Show me Denver and sound on 40.
CHRIS Denver's up.
DANA (kisses Kyle on the cheek) Merry Christmas.
DAVE In 3, 2...
DAN Good evening. From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall. Those stories, plus the Sonics are super and the Ducks are mighty. The children were all tucked safe in their beds as visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
CASEY You're watching a holiday edition of Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.
DAVE We're out.
original transcript from the_49th_floor