CASEY: Said Watters following the game, "Ricky Watters isn't lugging the rock the way Ricky Watters is capable of lugging the rock."
Chris signals to Dana that they need to fill.
DANA: Fill it.
CASEY: Dan, do you think there's any chance Ricky Watters wasn't talking about himself in the third person, but rather was talking about someone else in the second person?
DAN: Who'd you have in mind?
CASEY: Oh, Ricky Watters, the rock lugger from Toledo.
DANA: Dynamite fill.
DAN: That'll do it for us. Get some rest, you're gonna need it, 'cause we're coming back in 23 hours. I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall. You've been watching Sports Night on CSC. We'll see you tomorrow.
KIM: We're out.
DANA: Very nice.
CASEY: (getting up from the desk and walking to their office) Her name is Pixley.
DAN: Spell it for me.
CASEY: P-I-X-L-E-Y. I am going out tonight with a girl named Pixley.
DAN: Where did you meet her?
CASEY: Oh, she works in the building.
DAN: And what does Pixley do?
CASEY: I'm not 100% sure.
DAN: She didn't tell you?
CASEY: Oh, she did tell me, I just wasn't paying attention.
ELLIOT: Good show.
CASEY: Thank you.
DAN: You weren't paying attention to Pixley?
CASEY: Are you just looking for any reason at all to say the name Pixley?
DAN: It's starting to grow on me.
CASEY: I cannot even begin to tell you how much I am not looking forward to this.
DAN: I think you might have a good time with Pixley.
CASEY: This isn't a pleasure date I'm going on. This is a requirement, like Home Ec.
DAN: You had to take Home Ec?
DAN: Me too. Did you learn anything?
CASEY: Now I can do this thing where you hollow out a grapefruit.
DAN: I learned that.
CASEY: Well, tonight the nonsense officially begins.
DAN: Well, for most of us the nonsense began a long time ago, so, you know, welcome to the world.
CASEY: Six months on the Dana Whitaker dating program.
DAN: I don't think it's gonna be six months.
CASEY: Oh, it's gonna be six months.
DAN: I don't think it is.
CASEY: How long do you think it's gonna be?
DAN: One night.
CASEY: You're wrong.
DAN: It's not gonna be six months.
CASEY: Ah, Dana's pretty good at digging her heels in. In fact, if you want to check my back--
DAN: One night. You're gonna go on one date. Dana will get jealous, call the whole thing off.
CASEY: No, Dana's not going to get jealous.
DAN: She will get jealous of Pixley. Jealousy will rear its ugly head.
CASEY: It will not rear its ugly head.
DAN: It will rear its ugly head, it will look around, and then it will eat Tokyo.
CASEY: Yeah, I like the sound of that.
DAN: I like the sound of "Pixley." Can I ask you something?
DAN: After you bungle this thing tonight and send Pixley stomping out of the restaurant, do you have any problem with me giving her a call?
CASEY: I don't have any problem with you giving her a call right now.
DAN: Don't be rude to her.
CASEY: Why would I be rude to her?
DAN: It's what you do.
CASEY: It's not what I do.
DAN: One more thing.
CASEY: What about it?
DAN: Don't mislead her. Be honest with her. This Pixley's a good girl.
CASEY: You've never met her.
DAN: I can tell already.
DAN: Her name's Pixley.
CASEY: Danny, I'm going now.
DAN: On your date with Pixley?
DAN: Can I come?
CASEY: Good night.
DAN: Honesty for Pixley!
CASEY: Yeah, yeah. (leaves)
NATALIE: Casey's going out tonight with a girl named Pixley.
DANA: I know. You know what I'm concerned about?
NATALIE: You're concerned about Pixley.
DANA: I'm not concerned about Pixley. You know what I'm concerned about?
NATALIE: The dating plan blowing up in your face?
DANA: Where are we right now?
NATALIE: New York City.
NATALIE: The city of lights.
DANA: Paris is the city of lights.
NATALIE: We got a lot of lights, Dana.
DANA: Yes, but my point is that we're in the office, and this is where I like to talk about work. You know what I'm concerned about?
NATALIE: Tomorrow's rundown?
DANA: I don't think there's gonna be enough show.
NATALIE: Tomorrow's a strange day.
DANA: The schedules are empty -- no press conferences and no pre-tape in the can. Two hockey games, that's all we've got.
NATALIE: We can always rerun tonight's show.
NATALIE: Then again, I suppose that would be fundamentally wrong.
DANA: Yes, I'm pretty worried.
NATALIE: About Pixley?
DANA: Listen. (They enter Dana's office, where Casey is sitting)
NATALIE: 10 past midnight -- quittin' time, baby. And this is when I like to talk about your personal life.
DANA: Ah! Yeah! Yes?
CASEY: Here I go.
DANA: Have fun.
CASEY: Your dating plan begins.
DANA: I'll be here working.
CASEY: Jealousy rears its ugly head.
CASEY: It'll happen.
CASEY: I'm outta here.
CASEY: You understand the next time you see me, I'll have already gone on the date.
DANA: I do grasp the time-space continuum, yes.
CASEY: Well then, here I go.
CASEY: For the record, if she stays over, I'm making her this thing where I hollow out a grapefruit.
NATALIE: From Home Ec?
CASEY: I'll go when I'm ready to go. Now I'm ready to go.
NATALIE: Bye! (Casey leaves.) Well, do you want to get to work?
DANA: Her name's Pixley?
Isaac walks on his treadmill. Jeremy enters.
JEREMY: Hey, Isaac.
ISAAC: Hey, Jeremy.
JEREMY: You working out on the treadmill?
ISAAC: What makes you say that?
JEREMY: How's it going?
JEREMY: Hey, if I were to suddenly pop this thing up to 10, would you just go flying out onto Fifth Avenue?
ISAAC: Yeah, but if I were to have my hands around your throat when you did it, wouldn't you be coming out there with me?
ISAAC: So it's a wash.
ISAAC: Are you on Isaac patrol tonight?
JEREMY: Isaac patrol?
ISAAC: Yeah, doesn't one of you stay after the show to make sure I get into my car ok?
JEREMY: Yes, and doesn't that make us rotten people?
ISAAC: There are plenty of reasons why you're rotten people.
JEREMY: I'm not on Isaac patrol. Dan is on Isaac patrol.
ISAAC: Where's Casey?
JEREMY: Uh, out with a girl named Pixley.
ISAAC: Casey's out with Pixley?
ISAAC: You suppose the two of them could be any more white?
JEREMY: No, I don't imagine they could.
ISAAC: So what do you need?
JEREMY: What do I need? I don't need anything, Isaac.
ISAAC: You're simply here?
JEREMY: I'm simply here. You know why?
ISAAC: My lucky day, I guess.
JEREMY: No, although I thought that was funny, what you just said.
ISAAC: Thank you.
JEREMY: Uh, so, I've been nominated for this award tomorrow night for producing the segment on Foxboro.
JEREMY: And I've been thinking about it and I've decided that I want to win.
JEREMY: I want to win bad, Isaac.
JEREMY: You know that feeling?
ISAAC: Well, I work in sports, so I'm trying to think if I've ever had contact with people like that.
JEREMY: Another good one, sir. Surviving a stroke has made you quite the wit.
JEREMY: No, I was wondering, as someone who's been nominated for many of these things and lost most of the time, how you felt on the question of preparing a speech in advance?
ISAAC: I won the Pulitzer Prize, Jeremy.
JEREMY: It's a real honor, sir.
ISAAC: No, I meant it's one of the many objects in the room that I could grab and shove up--
JEREMY: Got it! So, on the speech-preparation question?
ISAAC: Have in mind the people you want to thank.
ISAAC: Anything else?
JEREMY: Have them in mind.
JEREMY: Well, there would definitely be you.
ISAAC: Thank you.
JEREMY: And Dana and Natalie.
JEREMY: Though I'm not sure which name to say first. Dana's the executive producer, but I've got a personal relationship with Natalie. Of course, this isn't about personal relationships, it's about work. Or is it? Tell you what, let's talk about it.
ISAAC: Ok, but first would you mind just popping this thing up to 10 for me?
JEREMY: Alphabetical order is one way to go.
DANA: Let's add 'em all up. Total time. Whole show all in. The Bruins?
DANA: The Rangers?
DANA: NFL Whiparound?
DANA: What do we got?
KIM: 6 minutes and 25 seconds.
NATALIE: We usually do more like an hour, don't we?
DANA: Yeah. All right, you know, let's not go crazy. Let's approach this like the people we are.
ELLIOT: Dana, I'm kind of late for a date with a girl I met while I was--
DANA: Sit your ass down, Valentino. (Dan enters)
DAN: What's up?
DANA: What are you still doing here?
DAN: I'm on Isaac patrol.
DANA: How's he doin'?
DAN: I don't know.
DANA: Where is he?
DAN: I don't know.
DANA: Well, keep up the good work.
DAN: What's goin' on?
NATALIE: We only have 6 minutes and 25 seconds worth of show for tomorrow.
DAN: No problem.
DANA: No problem?
DAN: I can stretch it.
DANA: You can't stretch it.
DAN: Dana, I'm a writer. I stretch things all the time. Give me 6 minutes and 25 seconds worth of copy and I'll stretch it into an hour. I've done it before.
DANA: No, you haven't. You've stretched 6 minutes and 25 seconds into 7 minutes and 25 seconds.
DAN: Hmm. It certainly seemed like an hour. (Jeremy enters.)
DANA: What did you find out?
JEREMY: Isaac says I should keep some names in mind.
DANA: What are you talking about?
JEREMY: I'm trying to decide whom to thank. There isn't the time allotted to thank everyone who deserves it, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, especially on an occasion like this. Whom do you name? Whom do you leave out? It's tough. Isaac's giving me a hand. Why, what were you talking about?
DANA: Tomorrow's show, you matzo ball.
JEREMY: Well, that opens up a slot.
DAN: What about Darren Keehoe?
DANA: What about him.
DAN: He's on his death bed.
DANA: I like it.
NATALIE: Do you know who he is?
DANA: I'm assuming he's an extremely accomplished athlete who's lived an extraordinary life and whose death warrants a 45-minute feature on our show tomorrow night despite the fact that I've never heard of him. Am I right?
DANA: Who is he?
DAN: He came this close to winning the bronze medal in archery at the 1932 Olympics.
DANA: How close?
DAN: He came in seventh.
DANA: All right. He's dying?
DANA: You got this off the wire?
DANA: Did it say what he's dying from?
DAN: What he's dying from?
DANA: Yes. A rare and fatal disease, perhaps, that we can serve to bring public attention to.
DAN: He's dying from having been alive for 98 years.
DANA: All right. Here's what I'd like. I'd like everyone to go back to your offices or cubicles and return here in 30 minutes with either some ideas or a carton containing the contents of your desk.
JEREMY: Can we order Chinese food?
JEREMY: Beef with broccoli?
JEREMY: Fried rice?
JEREMY: Would you like to pay for it?
JEREMY: I'm giving you an opportunity to get back on the list, Dana.
DANA: Please go.
JEREMY: Go I shall.
DANA: Let's work.
NATALIE: Dana. Dana. (Natalie and Dana walk and talk, making their way to the Editing Room)
NATALIE: I know it's a dumb award, but Jeremy wants to win it pretty bad.
DANA: That's fine with me.
NATALIE: I mean he really wants to win.
DANA: I'll tell you, winning some awards around here wouldn't hurt us any.
NATALIE: He's not gonna win.
DANA: He's got a good chance.
NATALIE: No, I'm saying it's not gonna happen.
DANA: Do you know something I don't know?
NATALIE: You know how for these things when they know you won, they call you to make sure you're gonna be there?
DANA: You overheard a call?
DANA: Tsk. Who's gonna win?
NATALIE: Not Jeremy.
NATALIE: I'm not gonna tell you.
NATALIE: You're not gonna like it.
DANA: I'm not gonna care, I'm just curious. Who?
NATALIE: You're not gonna care?
DANA: I'm really not.
DANA: My Sally.
NATALIE: Casey's Sally.
DANA: Sally's gonna win my award.
NATALIE: Jeremy's award.
DANA: So, you're gonna tell him.
DANA: You're not?
DANA: You sure?
DANA: Ok. We've got 6 minutes and 25 seconds of show and our best hope is that a guy nobody's ever heard of dies of nothing in particular. Jeremy's got his heart set on winning an award that you're not going to tell him he's already lost...
NATALIE: And Casey's out right now with a girl named Pixley.
NATALIE: We got ourselves the makings.
CASEY: Pixley's an unusual name. Did it, uh, come from your mother?
PIXLEY: I'm pretty sure it came from both my parents.
CASEY: What I meant was, was it your mother's maiden name?
CASEY: It doesn't have special significance?
PIXLEY: It has special significance inasmuch as it's my name.
CASEY: Ok. How are you, uh, enjoying your thing there?
PIXLEY: It's very good.
CASEY: Good. And you should take your time eating it, too.
PIXLEY: Do you have to get someplace?
PIXLEY: I'm sorry. Am I being boring?
CASEY: Absolutely not.
PIXLEY: Casey, if you want to go, you can go.
CASEY: I don't want to go.
PIXLEY: Then why did you say that?
CASEY: Because I want you to savour your fish.
PIXLEY: What's the problem?
CASEY: There is no problem.
PIXLEY: I'm not your type.
CASEY: I really have no type.
PIXLEY: So we should stay on this date?
CASEY: I encourage you to order a second helping of fish.
PIXLEY: So there's no problem.
CASEY: There is absolutely no problem. (long pause) In a perfect world, I wouldn't be here with you. I'd be here with someone else. I'm just telling you this because I like you.
PIXLEY: You like me?
PIXLEY: But not as much as the woman you would rather be here with in a perfect world.
CASEY: Well, yes, but that's a pretty tough standard.
PIXLEY: How's that?
CASEY: Well, I'm in love with her.
PIXLEY: You're in love with her.
PIXLEY: And you're out on a date with me.
CASEY: Yes. There's a good explanation for that, which I think is gonna make you feel a lot better.
PIXLEY: An explanation for why you asked me on a date even though you're in love with someone else?
PIXLEY: And it's gonna make me feel better?
CASEY: Oh, yeah.
PIXLEY: Give it a try.
CASEY: She forced me.
CASEY: Look, it's not as bad as it sounds.
PIXLEY: Good night, Casey. (walks out.)
DAN: Well, there's a coxswain at Columbia.
DANA: A coxswain?
DANA: The guy in the canoe who shouts?
DAN: First of all, it's not a canoe, it's a shell, and he doesn't just shout, he also steers. Why do you have no respect for water sports?
DANA: A coxswain?
DAN: They're competitors like anyone else.
DANA: I don't consider what this guy does competing.
DAN: Well, what do you consider it?
DANA: I consider it shouting "faster" while eight preppy guys row his lazy ass down the river.
DAN: Well, perhaps is you took the time to study the nuance--
DANA: Did this guy do anything spectacular?
DAN: In a manner of speaking.
DANA: What'd he do?
DAN: He fell out of the boat.
DANA: All right, put it down.
DANA: How long do you think?
KIM: A minute-thirty.
DAN: I can stretch it.
DANA: Did this guy, by any chance, save something that was drowning on his way out of the boat?
DANA: Just fell out, huh?
DAN: Yep, and then he grabbed on to the boat for support and knocked most of his teammates out, too.
DANA: The glory of sport.
DAN: And then he almost got bit by a turtle.
DANA: Moving on.
Dan & Casey's Office
Isaac rests on the couch with the lights off. Jeremy enters.
JEREMY: You trying to sleep? (turns on a lamp)
ISAAC: You are on fire tonight, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Where's your ride?
ISAAC: Esther's staying late at a benefit in town. They're dancing and she likes to dance.
JEREMY: And she's late?
JEREMY: Think you'll have to smack her around when she gets here?
ISAAC: What do you want?
JEREMY: I wanted to tell you that I've decided not to prepare a speech.
JEREMY: Wanna know why?
JEREMY: It's 'cause I don't think I should.
ISAAC: Mmm. Ok.
JEREMY: Do you know that in 1969, an extra speech was written as Apollo 11 was landing on the moon?
ISAAC: No. Did you know that in 1992, all three major presidential candidates were lefties?
JEREMY: I didn't know that.
ISAAC: Leave me alone.
JEREMY: They had a contingency speech in case the LEM was unable to lift off the lunar surface, leaving the astronauts to die of starvation and lack of oxygen on global television some 240,000 nautical miles from home.
ISAAC: Well, you don't want to get caught unprepared.
JEREMY: You also don't want to tempt fate. I think it was bad karma for them to prepare that speech. I feel the same way about the award tomorrow night.
JEREMY: Yes, sir.
ISAAC: I'm sorry. You deserved to win as much as anyone, but you didn't.
JEREMY: What do you mean?
ISAAC: You didn't win.
JEREMY: How do you know?
ISAAC: Natalie knew, and she told me.
JEREMY: Who won?
ISAAC: Sally Sasser.
JEREMY: Oh, ok. Well, ok, I guess...never mind then.
JEREMY: Natalie knew?
JEREMY: Yes, sir?
ISAAC: You know what sucks?
JEREMY: Losing an award?
ISAAC: I was gonna say not being able to dance with your wife.
JEREMY: Yeah, I was gonna say that too, sir.
ISAAC: Turn out the light, ok?
JEREMY: Yeah. (turns off the lamp and leaves.)
DANA: All right. Any new word on Darren Hoho?
KIM: Is he the coxswain?
NATALIE: He's the archer.
DANA: Any new word?
DAN: He's still alive, if that's what you're asking
DANA: Oh, man.
DANA: Hey, you think there's any chance he was gay?
DANA: It would make a better story.
NATALIE: He's on his deathbed.
DANA: Natalie, I'm about to make this man the most famous 7th-place archer in the history of sports. I think the very least he can do is die in a timely manner and be gay.
DANA: Any ideas?
JEREMY: Re-run tonight's show. Can I see you a second?
JEREMY: So, I was working on my speech with Isaac, and it turns out he knows I didn't win. You know how he knows?
JEREMY: 'Cause you told him.
JEREMY: Do you have any idea how stupid I feel?
NATALIE: I'm sorry.
JEREMY: Why didn't you tell me the truth?
NATALIE: Why would I tell you?
NATALIE: Why would I tell you?
JEREMY: Why would you tell me the truth?
JEREMY: 'Cause it's the truth.
NATALIE: Yeah. The truth isn't this all-fired, holy thing, you know--
NATALIE: No, I think I'm on pretty solid ground here. You were nominated for an award and having a good time and you had another 24 hours of good time coming to you before you got boofed by Sally Sasser. You can't tell me you're better off knowing now than you would have been tomorrow night when they opened the envelope.
JEREMY: I'm searching for an ethical leg to stand on.
JEREMY: Speaking of which, I should mention that I'm very grateful that I'm able to dance with you.
NATALIE: You're not able to dance with me.
JEREMY: Yes, but if I could dance, I could dance with you.
NATALIE: I don't understand.
JEREMY: I just generally feel stupid.
NATALIE: Well, why don't we get dressed up tomorrow night, go to the thing, celebrate the fact that you got nominated at all, and then we'll go home and see if I can't replace your feelings of stupidity with something else?
JEREMY: Natalie, you can't just always make everything better by offering me sex. (Natalie just looks at him.) Well, yes, I guess you can.
CASEY: Where is she?
NATALIE: What are you doing here?
CASEY: I want to talk to the house madam. Where is she?
JEREMY: Casey, I didn't win the award I was nominated for, yet due to my love for Natalie and my ability to dance, I don't feel so bad.
JEREMY: Except I really, really wanted to win.
CASEY: Where's Dana?
DANA: What are you doing here?
CASEY: May I have a word?
DAN: Did Pixley stomp out?
CASEY: She didn't stomp.
DAN: Were you mean to Pixley?
DAN: You were, weren't you?
CASEY: I wasn't.
DAN: I'm gonna call her.
CASEY: I wasn't mean to Pixley. (Conference Room door closes)
DANA: How'd it go?
CASEY: I was totally mean to Pixley.
CASEY: 'Cause you're forcing me to do something that is fundamentally mean.
DANA: It is not mean.
CASEY: Look, Dana, come on--
DANA: Casey, you're a handsome television star. I'm sure Pixley had a very nice time.
CASEY: Oh, Pixley had a swell time, right up until the moment I told her the only reason I was there was that I had to go on six-months worth of dates with other women before you'd go out with me.
DANA: Well, why the hell did you tell her that?
DANA: Why did you tell her that?
CASEY: 'Cause it seemed like the right thing to do.
DANA: Did it?
DANA: And in retrospect?
CASEY: Not so much.
CASEY: Dana, honesty: that's what I'm about. Honesty and not rushing through dinner.
DANA: She stomped off, didn't she?
CASEY: Yes, she did.
DANA: You gotta do this for real, Casey. That's the only way it makes sense.
CASEY: No. No. There's really no way this makes sense.
DANA: You gotta do it for real.
CASEY: I did it for real.
DANA: You took a dive.
CASEY: But I was honest.
DANA: You tanked it, Casey. You phoned it in.
CASEY: I told her 'cause it was the right thing to do. I-- I liked her a lot. I didn't want to, you know, make any--
CASEY: I told her 'cause it was the right thing to do.
DANA: You said you liked her.
DANA: Just now. In fact, you said you liked her a lot.
Casey sticks his head back in the conference room to talk to Dan.
CASEY: Jealousy is rearing.
DANA: I am not jealous.
CASEY: Rearing all over the place. (Casey closes the conference room door)
CASEY: By the way--
CASEY: If I hadn't pulled the plug, I'd be over at her place right now doing jello shots, watching her please me.
DANA: You're disgusting.
CASEY: She also said she was gonna invite over some of her stewardess friends.
DANA: Get inside.
CASEY: What are we doing?
DANA: The show is short.
CASEY: How short?
DANA: 42 minutes.
CASEY: We only have 42 minutes?
DANA: We're short 42 minutes.
CASEY: You know, a Columbia coxswain fell out of his boat.
DANA: Yeah, we factored that in.
CASEY: Hmm. (They go back in the conference room)
DANA: What's going on?
DAN: He's still alive.
DANA: I'm ok with that. I think it's time for us all to take a deep breath and relax and approach this with a sense of calm professionalism. (smacks Jeremy) How could you lose to Sally Sasser?
NATALIE: Here's something.
NATALIE: East bid 2 clubs, South bid 4 diamonds, and North came back with 5 no-trump.
DANA: Is there footage?
CASEY: We're gonna cover bridge?
DAN: It's the sport of kings.
DANA: No. Once again, it's not the sport of kings. Horse racing is the sport of kings.
JEREMY: Give me the dumplings.
DAN: What's bridge the sport of?
DANA: Bridge isn't a sport.
DAN: Sure, it's a sport.
DANA: No, I think at the very least, people have to be moving.
original transcript from the_49th_floor