DAN: Look in my eyes.
DAN: Seriously, look in my eyes.
CASEY: Seriously, no.
DAN: If you were to look in my eyes, you know what you'd see?
CASEY: Dan-- (they walk and talk through the office)
DAN: You'd see the look of sheer desperation.
CASEY: I am not switching with you.
DAN: Is it because you don't want to do the show with Tina?
CASEY: I have plans.
DAN: Winding down is not plans.
CASEY: I'm not just winding down. I was thinking about seeing a movie.
DAN: A movie?
DAN: I'm gonna miss a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity tomorrow night so you can see a movie?
CASEY: Well, you want to see a singer.
DAN: Do you know how often Tom Waits plays clubs?
DAN: Tom Waits never plays clubs. You know what he's doing tomorrow night?
CASEY: He's playing a club?
DAN: He's playing a club.
CASEY: Should I go see him?
DAN: Casey, I--
CASEY: 'Cause I have the night off.
DAN: You can have my firstborn son, just take tomorrow night's show. (they have reached the studio)
CASEY: So I have to work tomorrow and raise your child. Hey, Elliot, uh, you got the word on Webber?
ELLIOT: X-rays came back negative. They think it's just a sprain.
CASEY: I need new clothes.
DAN: You want me to buy you clothes?
CASEY: No, I'm gonna buy my own clothes, I just want Natalie to go with me.
DAN: I offer you the world and you want clothes?
CASEY: Look, this girl named Lillian I just met said I dress like her father.
DAN: You do dress like her father.
CASEY: You know Lillian's father?
DAN: I don't have to know Lillian's father.
CASEY: You're asking me for a favor and mocking me at the same time?
DAN: I'm sorry.
CASEY: Look, Natalie has really good taste in clothes. Last time she went with me, I found a cool scarf.
DAN: So why don't you ask her to go?
CASEY: I did. She-- It's complicated. She said no.
DAN: So all I have to do is get Natalie to go shopping with you?
DAN: I could kiss you right now.
CASEY: Please don't.
DANA: Chris, let me see a preview of Seattle on 2.
CHRIS: Loading Seattle on 2. Stand by sound.
WILL: Sound standing by on 3.
NATALIE: Elliot, is there a final in Cleveland?
ELLIOT: About a minute left. Cleveland's up by 4. And FYI, Miller fouled out.
JEREMY: When did saying actual words become such a burden?
JEREMY: FYI. BYOB. ASAP.
DANA: I'm trying to produce a TV show. I could use your help.
JEREMY: TV -- that's another one.
DAN: (enters) Natalie--
NATALIE: Not a chance in hell.
DAN: I haven't said anything yet.
NATALIE: You were gonna ask me to go clothes shopping with Casey.
DAN: How did you know that?
NATALIE: I'm intuitive.
JEREMY: And you were miked.
NATALIE: That too.
DANA: At some point, were you planning on asking me if it's ok if you switch off nights with Casey? I'm still the executive producer of the show.
DAN: I'm sorry. Is it ok if I switch off nights with Casey?
DANA: What the hell do I care?
DAN: Natalie. (follows Natalie into the Editing room)
NATALIE: Dan, I'm saying he's a woman. I spent eight hours on a Saturday watching Casey try on practically everything Barney's had to offer -- twice. He left with a scarf.
DAN: You've seen how he dresses.
DAN: So this just isn't a favor to me then. You owe this to the whole world.
DAN: (Dan gets on his knees and literally begs) Natalie, I love Tom Waits probably more than-- I don't know. I just love Tom Waits.
NATALIE: There's a party tomorrow night at Lot 61. If you get me on the list, I'll go shopping with Casey.
DAN: You don't know how much I appreciate this.
NATALIE: It's an impossible list to get on.
DAN: I'll make it happen.
NATALIE: You should know, in case you're planning on using your celebrity to get me in, I already called around pretending to be you.
DAN: You pretended to be me?
NATALIE: Mmm, actually, I pretended to be your secretary calling on your behalf.
DAN: My secretary?
NATALIE: Miss Jean Hodges. She's very officious.
DAN: And they just turned me down flat?
DAN: (leading Kim into the Sound Room) Kim. Walk with me. Look, you still friends with that bouncer guy at Lot 61?
KIM: Kurt and I were never exactly friends.
DAN: All right, listen. I really need to get Natalie in there tomorrow night. Is there any way you could consider calling him?
KIM: If I call Kurt, he's going to think I want to sleep with him again.
KIM: Oh, no, don't get me wrong. I want to sleep with him again. I just don't want to do it in my crappy apartment.
DAN: Four Seasons ok?
KIM: A suite?
KIM: I'll call him during the c-break.
DAVE: Roll VTR. 60 seconds live.
CASEY: You all set?
DAN: Yes, sir.
DAN: Tomorrow at this time, I'll be bathing in the raspy drawl of Mr. Tom Waits.
CASEY: And not long after that, I'll be trying on pants.
DAVE: 30 seconds live.
DANA: Dan, I just got a message from Tina Lake. She had to cancel for tomorrow night.
DAN: So who are we getting to replace her?
DAN: But I'm going to see Tom Waits tomorrow.
DANA: Maybe someday, just not tomorrow.
DAVE: In 3, 2...
DAN: Good evening. From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall. Those stories, plus Edgerin James re-ups for some do-re-mi, Tiger tries to solve a problem like Jose-Maria, and spring training is alive with the sound of chin music.
CASEY: We've got flying pucks, driving defenses, and smooth sailing for the Blackhawks in Montreal. You're watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.
DAN: There must be someone.
DANA: The sub pool is dry.
DAN: Bobbi Bernstein.
DANA: Oh, Bobbi Bernstein, you're right. How could I have missed Bobbi Bernstein?
DAN: You've tried Bobbi Bernstein?
DANA: Of course I've tried Bobbi Bernstein. You know why, Dan?
DAN: 'Cause you're not a moron?
DANA: 'Cause I'm not.
DAN: Jennifer A.
DANA: Jennifer Atwater's having a baby.
DAN: She is?
DAN: What trimester is she in?
DAN: I'm saying there have been medical advances that allow you people to work well into the fourth or fifth trimester.
DANA: Amazing what medicine can do.
DAN: Isn't it?
NATALIE: (enters) We got Steve Sarris.
DAN: For tonight?
DAN: She got Steve Sarris.
DANA: I heard. Well done.
DAN: She got Steve Sarris. Thank you.
NATALIE: I didn't do it for you.
DAN: I'm gonna get you into the club.
NATALIE: Plus one.
DAN: Who are you taking?
NATALIE: Who do you think I'm taking? I'm taking my boyfriend.
DAN: Jeremy's gonna want to go to Lot 61?
NATALIE: What do I care? He's my boyfriend, he loves me, and he's going.
NATALIE: Get us in.
DAN: It's done. Woo! (leaves)
DANA: What do you need?
NATALIE: I'm gonna push the Dodgers' training camp into the 30s, which will let us move Dale Earnhardt up front.
DANA: I've got a gun under my desk.
NATALIE: Or we can keep everything where it is.
DANA: I mean it. I've got a big honkin' gun under my desk.
NATALIE: Why do you have a gun?
DANA: Actually, it's a musket.
NATALIE: A rifle?
DANA: A musket.
NATALIE: What's the difference?
DANA: How the hell do I know, Natalie? What am I, Calamity Jane? I inherited a Revolutionary War musket from my uncle.
NATALIE: Your uncle was in the Revolutionary War?
DANA: Yes. He died just recently at the age of 241, Natalie.
NATALIE: You're a little sarcastic and short-tempered for someone who hasn't been having a lot of sex lately. Oh, wait, I think I just put my finger on the trigger.
SAM: (enters) Who's Steve Sarris?
DANA: Good morning, Sam.
SAM: Good morning.
DANA: No, I mean, it would be nice if you began a conversation with "Good morning."
SAM: Didn't we just do that?
SAM: Is there anything else?
SAM: Who's Steve Sarris?
NATALIE: He's not gonna light the world on fire, but he's good.
DANA: He's solid.
NATALIE: He's very professional.
SAM: Good, solid, professional.
SAM: Is he gonna be awake during the broadcast?
DANA: He's an understudy, Sam. His job is to keep the curtain up. He'll be fine.
SAM: "Fine." There's another word that always sets my toes a-tappin'.
DANA: Leave now.
SAM: Ok. (leaves)
DANA: Natalie, what am I gonna do with this gun?
NATALIE: I thought it was a musket.
DANA: (takes out a card from her wallet and shows it to Natalie) It's a gun and I don't want it. You see this?
DANA: What's it say?
NATALIE: Empire Racquet Club.
DANA: That's the wrong card. I am a dues-paying member of the Anti-Handgun Coalition.
NATALIE: You think they're gonna make you stop going to the meetings?
DANA: I'm morally opposed to this.
NATALIE: Well, I think as long as you don't shoot someone with it, you're fine.
DANA: I've got to take this thing and find some place to smelt it.
NATALIE: You're gonna smelt it?
DANA: Why are you laughing?
NATALIE: It's a funny word.
DANA: Don't you have work to do?
NATALIE: Off I go. (leaves)
DANA: (continues looking for card) Oh! No, hmm.
NATALIE: Guess who's going to Lot 61 tonight?
JEREMY: McGeorge Bundy.
NATALIE: McGeorge Bundy is dead.
JEREMY: Well, from the way you asked me, I figured it was someone unlikely.
NATALIE: Dan got us on the list.
JEREMY: Oh, I was also praying it would be any two people other than us.
NATALIE: I knew you'd be this way.
JEREMY: I'm not being any way.
NATALIE: What's wrong?
JEREMY: Going to the hot spot, the cool place?
JEREMY: Nothing, but let me run this by you. After the show, instead of going to Area 51--
NATALIE: Lot 61.
JEREMY: Ok, instead of--
NATALIE: It's a club downtown.
JEREMY: Fine, fine. How about instead of going downtown, we go home, order some Chinese food...
NATALIE: And watch Conan?
JEREMY: We can watch Kilborn. I'm very flexible.
JEREMY: Kilborn's got a great lineup.
NATALIE: The list was very hard to get on, Jeremy. Dan had to pull a lot of strings.
JEREMY: Don't you even want to know who his guests are?
NATALIE: Who are his guests?
JEREMY: Well, I'd have to check the listings.
NATALIE: Jeremy, it's gonna be great.
JEREMY: Oh, it's not gonna be great, Natalie. We're gonna be in a room surrounded by people for whom "cool" means "discontent" -- all of them trying to be cool, which isn't easy while craning your neck around to see is you can spot Skeet Ulrich.
JEREMY: And believe me, there will be half a dozen people there named Skeet.
NATALIE: Hey, if you don't want to go, you don't have to go.
JEREMY: I'll go.
NATALIE: You don't have to go.
JEREMY: I'm happy to go.
NATALIE: But you're not happy to go.
JEREMY: I'm not happy to go, but I'll go anyway.
JEREMY: 'Cause I'm tired of having this fight with you. I have to take this to graphics. Anything else?
NATALIE: No. (Jeremy leaves.)
Dan & Casey's Office
DAN: I'm outta here.
CASEY: Don't go.
CASEY: Stay a little longer.
DAN: It's my day off.
CASEY: It's your day off 'cause I gave it to you.
DAN: No, it's my day off because you're going scarf shopping, and Kim's getting boinked in a Parkview suite.
CASEY: Just stay 'til he gets here.
CASEY: I don't like being alone with the guy.
DAN: He's fine.
CASEY: Yeah, I know he's fine.
CASEY: Totally fine.
CASEY: He's a little morose.
CASEY: A little somber.
DAN: Those are adjectives that wouldn't be entirely out of place describing you, there, Chuckles.
CASEY: You'll stay?
STEVE: (enters) Hello.
CASEY: Hey, Steve.
DAN: I'm outta here. You guys have a good show. (leaves)
CASEY: Thank you. Hi.
STEVE: Am I late?
CASEY: You're right on time.
STEVE: Good. Good, I like to be efficient.
STEVE: Or prompt is really what I meant to say.
CASEY: You're fine.
CASEY: Everything's fine. Dan got you started on the script. You've got the features and the dailies. Obviously we'll fill in the blanks. Is something wrong?
STEVE: Yeah, I think my girlfriend's breaking up with me.
STEVE: My girlfriend, Felicia, I think she's breaking up with me.
STEVE: Right now. Tonight. I think she's gonna do it when I'm on the air. I think I'm gonna get home and find a note where her stuff used to be.
DAVE: In 3, 2...
CASEY: Good evening. From New York City, I'm Casey McCall alongside Steve Sarris sitting in for Dan Rydell. Those stories, plus the Chicago Bulls have a cow, the Toronto Raptors show their teeth, and the Florida Marlins are in hook, line, and sinker.
STEVE: We'll take you to Kentucky and show you there's more than one way to skin a cat, and we'll take you to Chicago where a certain Bear's got his hand stuck in the honey jar. All that coming up after this. You're watching Sports Night on CSC, and this one's going out to you, Felicia.
DAVE: Ok. We're out, I guess.
ELLIOT: Two minutes back.
NATALIE: (into mic) Casey!
CASEY: I got it. Steve?
CASEY: We don't generally do that.
STEVE: Do what?
CASEY: Um, dedicate a show.
STEVE: I'm sorry.
CASEY: It's no problem.
STEVE: It's just that I got to get her back, Casey.
CASEY: I understand.
STEVE: I love her.
CASEY: Listen, can you hang on a second?
CASEY: (walks into the control room) Where the hell is she?
NATALIE: She ran back to her office.
CASEY: Well, can you get her to run back in here?
NATALIE: Don't you want to sit at your desk?
CASEY: Not until I absolutely have to.
CHRIS: 10 seconds live.
CASEY: Ok. (runs back to the desk) We commence with out top story. The race for Lord Stanley's cup...
Dana enters to find Sam aiming the musket.
DANA: Ah! What are you doing here?
SAM: What are you doing here?
DANA: First off, it's my office. Second off-- Who cares what second off is, it's my office.
SAM: We're in the middle of a show.
DANA: Natalie's got the wheel.
DANA: Yes, I do that on occasion. So don't feel like 11:00 to midnight is your special "I can waltz into Dana's office and play with her gun" time.
SAM: My what?
DANA: Your special-- Shut up. What are you doing here?
SAM: I heard about Brown Bess.
DANA: You named my gun?
SAM: It already had a name. This is a Brown Bess second model muskatoon.
DANA: You like guns.
SAM: I like this gun.
DANA: What a shock.
SAM: This gun hasn't had a lot of use. Look, you can see here: the frizzen is almost pristine.
DANA: Well, I'll keep that in mind if I ever run across Lafayette.
SAM: Lafayette was on our side, but I got the joke.
SAM: This is a European walnut stock, and I could be wrong, but I think this outline is the military inspector's cartouche.
DANA: Guns are disgusting.
SAM: You think?
SAM: Did you ever hear the expression "contempt prior to investigation"?
SAM: It's from A.A.
DANA: You should be careful with that.
SAM: I am.
SAM: Anyway, I wasn't hitting on you.
SAM: I said, I wasn't hitting on you. I was just talking about the musket.
DANA: What in the world would make you think I-- I thought--
SAM: Just playing safe.
DANA: I have to get back to the show.
SAM: What did you come in here for?
DANA: Um... mmm, I can't remember.
DANA: (leaves and returns) What was--
SAM: Contempt prior to investigation.
DANA: Thank you.
STEVE: As we go to Indianapolis, native home of the 500, the Choctaw Indians, and Ms. Felicia Mercer. Hear that Felicia? Ms., not Miss. It's called respecting you.
NATALIE: Somebody get Dana back here!
STEVE: Dean Hanson is standing by at the RCS Dome. Dean?
DAVE: 30 seconds back.
STEVE: You think she heard that?
CASEY: I'm pretty sure any number of people heard that.
NATALIE: (approaching desk) Steve?
NATALIE: Two things I need you to know about: this teleprompter and the FCC.
NATALIE: Got it?
DAVE: In 3, 2...
CASEY: In more basketball news, a quick look at the standings show how last night's Detroit/Miami game was...
ISAAC: Why aren't you in the control room?
DANA: Oh my god! (runs out, comes back) Psych out.
ISAAC: That's funny, Dana.
DANA: Thank you.
ISAAC: Who's Felicia Mercer?
DANA: I think she's Steve Sarris' girlfriend.
ISAAC: Well, could you let him know that unless he's dating Martina Hingis, we don't mention our girlfriends on the show?
ISAAC: Well, get in there.
DANA: Do you want to hear something funny?
ISAAC: I want to work.
DANA: Sam's under the impression I thought he was hitting on me.
ISAAC: Please go back in there.
DANA: I certainly wasn't asking him to hit on me, if that's what you were implying.
DANA: He likes guns, so right away--
DANA: And B, pbbt. I don't find him all that attractive.
ISAAC: I need to work here.
DANA: Maybe if he shaved his mustache.
ISAAC: I'm begging you, please.
DANA: Nope. You know what? Not even if he shaved his mustache.
DANA: And it's not just the mustache and the guns, you know what I'm saying? It's his unquenchable desire to control everything and everyone around him. Ugh, I hate myself. I'm sorry, I have to get back.
ISAAC: Ok. (Dana leaves) I'm getting a lock on my door.
CASEY: Detroit was ominous, where General Manager Jack Egan told reporters, his most recent outburst was intended to send a message to embattled coach Lem Goring. Steve?
STEVE: Not unlike the many messages I've left for you, Felicia, all of which have gone unreturned, which I have to say is--
NATALIE: (into mic) Give him the hook, Casey.
CASEY: We're gonna take a commercial break. All those who will be back for the second half of the show, take on step forward. Steve, not so fast. You're watching Sports Night on CSC, and we can't believe it ourselves.
DAVE: We're out.
ELLIOT: Two minutes back.
STEVE: I'm sorry about this, Casey.
CASEY: No problem, partner. Everybody's allowed a-- a bad night.
STEVE: Thanks for understanding.
CASEY: I, uh, I know a thing or two about unrequited love and, uh, oh! Look! Here comes Kim! She's gonna help you get your stuff together. And, uh, if Kim can't make you forget about Felicia, then I want to meet Felicia.
STEVE: Right. Right. I got to get it together. Get it together. (leaves)
NATALIE: You ok in there by yourself, Casey?
CASEY: Yeah, I'm used to the lonesome road, Natalie. I may have had my share of pain where women are concerned, but I'm done with that now.
CASEY: Where's Dana?
NATALIE: She's with Sam.
Dana enters her office and finds Sam playing with the musket.
DANA: I see you're still here.
SAM: Did you remember what you needed?
SAM: You came in before, but you forgot why.
SAM: Did you come back because you remembered what you needed?
DANA: Uh, yes.
DANA: Scotch tape.
DANA: Guns kill people, Sam. They're macho and they're redneck and they're disgusting. And frankly, despite all your faults, I think--
SAM: The world isn't really like that, Dana. It's a more interesting place than that.
DANA: Than what?
SAM: Black and white.
DANA: Well, in this particular case, I happen to be a dues-paying member of--
SAM: Francis Marion was a farmer from South Carolina -- unschooled, unsophisticated -- but when the king sent his army to terrorize the colonists who wanted nothing more glamorous than their birthright, Marion and a hundred other farmers fought 'em off with this. They stood up to the British Empire with that crappy piece of tin. Here. (hands Dana a card)
DANA: You're a member of the Anti-Handgun Coalition?
SAM: You gotta learn to separate the stuff from the stuff.
DANA: What happened to Francis Marion?
SAM: I don't know. When the British retreated from Charleston, Marion wasn't asked to participate in the victory celebration. His men were considered too ragged, too dirty, too crazy.
DANA: Sounds like your kind of guys.
SAM: I'm leaving in a week.
DANA: I know.
SAM: Maybe we should just--
DANA: Keep it where it is?
DANA: Ok. I gotta get back to the control room.
JEREMY: Hey, Natalie, you think before we go I might have time to get a full body piercing? I mean, I don't want to look weird.
JEREMY: Kidding. I'm very excited to go.
JEREMY: What do you suppose all those people do during the daytime?
NATALIE: I don't know.
JEREMY: They can't all work at Tower Records, can they?
DANA: (enters) Hey.
DANA: You punted Steve Sarris?
DANA: Let me see a preview on the LSU film.
JEREMY: You'd think by now, the people that work at Tower Records, that somebody would tap them on the shoulder and tell them that they aren't actually rock stars themselves.
NATALIE: Can I stretch my legs?
DANA: Yeah. (Natalie leaves. Dana leans over to Jeremy) You can go too.
JEREMY: I'm fine.
DANA: No, you're not. Go get her. (Jeremy gets up)
Hallway Outside Control Room
JEREMY: I said I'd go. What do you want from me?
NATALIE: Man, could you do me a few more favors, Jeremy, I mean, if it's not too much to ask?
JEREMY: Look, Natalie--
NATALIE: I know these aren't your people--
JEREMY: Yeah, when did they become your people?
NATALIE: They're not my people.
JEREMY: Then why are we even talking--
NATALIE: I like lots of different people, Jeremy! I don't know what I like and I don't know why it's important that I have my mind made up at 26. Now, it's not like we go out all the time and--
JEREMY: We go out a lot.
NATALIE: No, we--
JEREMY: We go out a lot!
NATALIE: Well, I want to go out more.
JEREMY: And I said I'd go, Natalie. In fact, I've said it four times now.
NATALIE: You're sitting in there making jokes.
JEREMY: Oh, God--
NATALIE: Making me feel like fifty cents worth--
JEREMY: You know what? No, hang on a second. If you're going to drag my ass to these places and insist that I enjoy it--
JEREMY: I make jokes. That's me having a good time.
NATALIE: At my expense?
JEREMY: How is it at your expense?
NATALIE: Why can't you go to these places with me and have a good time?
JEREMY: First of all, when we go to these places, you're having a good time with everybody in the room but me.
NATALIE: I'm having a good time with everybody in the room but you 'cause you're the only one in the room not having a good time. You sit there--
JEREMY: I do my very best, Natalie.
NATALIE: No, you don't. You sit there feeling superior only you don't feel superior 'cause no one in there gives a damn that you're a sports expert.
JEREMY: No, actually, in that environment, I do feel superior for a good many reasons, none of which has anything to do with my sports expertise, nor do I feel superior 'cause I got to walk by two bouncers with a clipboard. I don't get the same thrill you get from being on the list.
NATALIE: Before we go on, could you make a couple more trashy accusations about me?
JEREMY: Ok, how about you stop telling me what a drag I am?
NATALIE: Why are you so mad at me?
JEREMY: I'm not mad at you. There are things about you I find unattractive. There are things about you I don't like.
NATALIE: Well, there are things about you I don't like.
JEREMY: And that's the way it goes.
NATALIE: Are we done?
JEREMY: Yeah, we're back from commercial.
NATALIE: No, Jeremy. Are we done?
(They both return to the control room slowly.)
CASEY: Later in the show, we'll catch up with the news on the ladies' tournament in the post-Steffi era. Don't go away, because when we come back, we'll take a look at one of nature's newest anomalies -- a soccer game with high scores. You're watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.
original transcript from the_49th_floor