Dan: You can catch all that action on 'CSC On Campus With Stan Meyers' at the top of the hour, and you won't want to miss championship billiards at 1 am. Yoshira Yatsumora takes on Greta Lipsik for the 9-ball crown and when those two get together, it's a barn burner.
Casey: That's all for us. I'm Casey McCall alongside Dan Rydell. If you've had half as much fun watching the show as we've had doing it, well then we've had twice as much fun doing the show as you've had watching it. That's Sports Night. See you tomorrow.
Dan: Good night.
Dave: Roll credits.
Dave: We're out.
Dana: Nice show everybody.
Dan: What are you doing tonight?
Casey: Going to sleep.
Dan: Come out with me.
Dan: El Perro Fumando.
Casey: The Smoking Dog.
Dan: If you wear something blue, you get $2 off a giant blue margarita.
Casey: You know, I make a pretty good living. I can actually afford to wear what I want and pay full price.
Dan: I'm not so much promoting the economic upside of it as I am the opportunity to drink something giant and blue.
Casey: I'm going to bed. (leaves studio, as Dan follows)
Dan: Dana's coming.
Casey: Dana's coming?
Dan: And you know what that can lead to.
Casey: Boogie Shoes.
Dan: (singing) My, my, my, my, my boogie shoes.
Casey: I'm in. (Jeremy joins them) Hey Jeremy, we're going to this place called El Perro Fumando and if... what, you wear a thing then something else happens for $2 less than it would have before.
Dan: Come with us.
Casey: But here's the thing. If Dana gets like half a margarita in her, it's a better than even chance that she'll get up on a table and start dancing to "My Boogie Shoes."
Dana: I did it one time.
Jeremy: El Perro Fumando?
Dana: The Flaming Dog.
Casey: Smoking Dog.
Dana: Not the Flaming Dog?
Casey: The dog's not gay.
Dana: I wasn't suggestion the dog was gay, I was suggesting the dog was on fire.
Casey: He's not smoking on fire, he's smoking a cigarette.
Elliot: He's smoking a pipe.
Kim: He's smoking a cigar.
Dan: I say he's gay.
Natalie: Come on out with us.
Jeremy: I'll catch up with you later.
Dana: Work's over, Jeremy. It's time for big giant blue things at $2 off.
Jeremy: I just want to write a quick letter to my sister Louise. She's a sophomore at Amherst.
Dan: You write letters?
Jeremy: I write to Louise.
Casey: That's nice. I haven't written a letter in years. I do everything by phone now.
Jeremy: My sister can't hear.
Casey: Ah. Well, catch up with us when you're done.
Dan: And wear something blue.
Natalie: You want me to stick around for company?
Natalie: Yeah. I can stick around.
Jeremy: No, I've got everything. Word processor, envelopes.
Jeremy: Oh, I actually don't have a stamp to speak of, but that's okay. I've found that when I need a stamp, one materializes. I never know where one's going to come from, but they always do. Stamps.
Casey: I haven't found that. I've found that when I need a stamp, there's never one around. This is back when I used to write letters. When I used to write letters, I could never find a stamp.
Dana: Hey, can you guess what I'm thinking now?
Casey: That no one gives a damn about me and my history with stamps.
Dana: Bulls eye.
Natalie: You'll come by later though, right?
Dan: How do we know the dog is a he?
Casey: "El Perro" is masculine.
Dan: Sounds like Dana's translation has him leaning another way.
Jeremy voiceover: Dear Louise...
JVO: Dear Louise. It's a little after midnight on Thursday and I'm sitting in the main news room at Sports Night. I can't even begin to describe how much I love this place. I've only been here three months, but it already feels like home to me. Some of the guys asked me to go out with them after the show tonight. That's never happened before, and I'd kind of like to join them, so I'm going to make this a short one. In your last letter, you asked what Dan and Casey are like, and I can't wait to tell you about them in person, but for now I'll just say that as impressive as they are on the air, the thing that constantly amazes me is that the pressure of writing and performing a live show every night never gets to them.
Dan & Casey's office:
Casey: (enters) What's going on?
Dan: Where have you been?
Casey: Well, I was in editing. Kim said there's an emergency.
Dan: It is an emergency.
Casey: Is it your mom?
Dan: What's wrong with my mom?
Casey: I'm asking.
Dan: It's not my mom.
Casey: Well what is it?
Dan: Why did you say it was my mom?
Casey: I didn't say it was your mom.
Dan: Yeah, but you jumped to that right away, which makes me think there's something wrong with my mom. Casey, what's wrong with my mom??!?
Casey: Danny, Danny. I'm on deadline here. Is there an emergency or not?
Casey: Well, what?
Dan: It's pretty serious.
Dan: I have writer's block.
Casey: You have writer's block?
Dan: I have writer's block.
Casey: Emergency writer's block?
Dan: I'm telling you.
Casey: (sighs) All right. How long?
Dan: Awhile now, about 20 minutes.
Casey: Okay, cool down. You're gripping, that's all.
Dan: Talk me through this!
Casey: Well, are you totally lost?
Dan: I'm totally lost, man. I'm in the tall grass, I'm in the weeds!
Casey: All right, all right. Listen to me. We're the best. The very best.
Casey: Well, maybe not the best, but we're pretty good.
Casey: I'd put us easily into the top 30 or 40.
Dan: Okay, this isn't helping me.
Casey: Hey, look at me. We've won awards!
Dan: You've won awards.
Casey: You've won awards.
Dan: I haven't won awards.
Casey: You've been nominated for awards.
Dan: It's not the same.
Casey: Sure it is.
Dan: That's easy for you to say, you've won awards.
Casey: Hey, okay. We write the news, it's not like we're hurting for ideas. What's the problem?
Dan: I can't write!
Casey: I mean, exactly what's the problem.
Dan: I can't write!
Casey: What are you working on?
Dan: Red Wings-Flyers.
Casey: All right. Let me see. (reads off computer) "The Flyers played the Red Wings in a hokey game last night and they won 4-3."
Dan: You see?
Casey: This is more serious than I thought.
Isaac: Morning gentlemen.
Dan: Hey Isaac.
JVO: (as Isaac walks through News Room to his office) Isaac Jaffee is the Managing Editor of Sports Night. He's led a pretty remarkable life. He started out as a stringer for the Atlanta Journal, won a Pulitzer Prize for his coverage of the Gemini missions, and retired as London Bureau Chief for CNN. But his passion has always been sports. Three years ago, when Luther Sachs bought Continental Corp, and announced that he was starting a cable-sports division, Isaac came out of retirement.
Dana: How are you this morning?
Isaac: My 16 year old daughter is dating a Republican in her class named Chad.
Dana: Chad's a 16 year old Republican?
Isaac: That's right.
Dana: I didn't know 16 year olds had party affiliations.
Isaac: Chad was just elected president of the Young Black Republican Caucus. He has a 3.9 GPA, he is co-captain of the la crosse team, he plays the french horn, and does volunteer work at a crisis hotline.
Dana: Sounds wonderful.
Isaac: Dana, did you hear me? He's a Republican.
Dana: A lot of people are running in that direction these days, Isaac.
Isaac: Yeah? Well, I don't want them sniffing around my women.
Dana: What are you gonna do?
Isaac: What any reasonable man would do: I'm calling a building contractor and installing a dungeon.
Natalie: Excuse me, Isaac.
Isaac: Good morning, Natalie.
Natalie: Have you ever heard of someone named Archibald Russel?
Isaac: Archibald Russel?
Isaac: Doesn't ring a bell.
Natalie: Okay. (turns to leave)
Natalie: Kelly Kirkpatrick just called in from Kansas City. She was scanning and she picked up a police report on a guy named Archibald Russel who was carjacked this morning and beaten up pretty bad. She thought the name sounded familiar and she asked me to ask you.
Natalie: Rundown's in 5 minutes. (exits)
Isaac: Okay. What was I saying?
Dana: You were building a dungeon to incarcerate any Republican suitors.
Isaac: And a moat. A biiiig moat.
JVO: There are four rundown meetings a day: noon, 6:00, 8:00 and 10:00. I'm sure that in no time, I'll have forgotten about it, but at the moment I can't forget about the noon rundown a few weeks ago and a guy you've never heard of called Archibald Russel.
Natalie: Oh, by the way, Isaac? I got the 411 on that guy Archibald Russel. He was a pitcher for the old Kansas City Monarchs.
Isaac: Archibald Russel?
Isaac: Oh good lord.
Isaac: Archibald Russel was A.K. I knew him as A.K. He was beaten up?
Dan: A.K. Russel?
Natalie: He was carjacked this morning. They dragged from his car. He's in surgery right now.
Casey: You know him?
Isaac: Sure I know him. Sweetest man in the world. Terrific ball player. Nobody noticed him because he played on the same team as Gibson and Jackie. Oh hell. Gotta find his kids and call them.
Natalie: We'll find them for you. (Jeremy enters room)
Isaac: Dana, do the story would you? Somewhere up front?
Dana: Yeah. Jeremy, put together something on an old Negro league pitcher named Archibald Russel.
Natalie: He's at Mercy Hospital in Kansas City.
Jeremy: Yeah, it's no problem, but I don't know if we can fit it anywhere up front.
Dana: Sure we can.
Jeremy: No, we've got four top 25 games, plus we'll probably have some word on Tyson, and we're gonna want to put the Lakers-Knicks somewhere in the first ten.
Dana: We'll do it anyway.
Jeremy: Well, I'm just saying is there really room for a story with, at best, local interest in Kansas City maybe... (Dan taps Jeremy and shakes his head)
Dana: We'll put it up front, Isaac. Right before the first break.
Isaac: Thank you.
Natalie: Back here at 2. (everyone exits)
JVO: I felt terrible for suggesting that the story lacked the importance to be placed in an early segment. But as terrible as I felt then, it was nothing compared to what I was going to feel that night...
Dan: A disheartening roadtrip for the Miami Heat. Said Pat Riley after the game, 'If you can't play defense, you can't play in the NBA.' Casey?
Casey: Archibald A.K. Russel is probably not a name you're familiar with unless you were lucky enough to watch the Kansas City Monarchs play baseball the way it was meant to be played. He had three 20 win seasons, he's an associate pastor at the Berry Hill Baptist church, and oh yeah, taught himself how to read and write. He was driving the Cadillac Seville that his four sons had given him for his 80th birthday when he stopped at a red light this morning. He was dragged from his car, beaten with sticks and bottles, and left at the side of the road. A.K.'s in critical condition at Mercy Hospital in Kansas City and the toughts and prayers of everyone here are with him. We'll be back after his.
Dave: We're out.
Natalie: Two and a half minutes back.
Isaac: Thank you.
JVO: And then Kim came in with the note.
(Kim hands a note off a note to Isaac, Jeremy, and then Dana.)
Dana: Chris, we'll need a graphic.
Chris: Yeah. Elliot can you get me a year?
Elliot: '17. 1917.
Dana: (into mic) Dan. Casey. Guys, A.K. Russel was just pronounced dead. Okay?
Dan: Yeah, all right.
Dana: You got the graphic locked in?
Dana: Show it to me please. (camera zooms in on graphic of 'Archibald "A.K." Russel 1917-1998)
Dave: We're back in 2 minutes.
Dana: You like it?
Casey: It's very nice. Elliot, are you telling me the ice cleared, the goalies came out of the net and they just started going after each other?
Elliot: Yeah. Took their gloves off and everything.
Dana: I don't mean to harp on this, but...
Dana: You really like it?
Casey: Yes. They threw their gloves off?
Casey: And we didn't have any film on this.
Kim: Technicially? It's just one glove.
Casey: How's it one glove?
Kim: Goalie's wear one glove and one catcher's mitt.
Elliot: It's a first baseman's mitt.
Casey: Aw, who gives a damn we didn't get any film! (turns to leave)
Casey: (to Kim and Elliot) Will you please tell Dana her hair looks good?
Kim & Elliot: Your hair looks good.
Dana: Thank you. (turns around and walks through the studio and into control room)
JVO: Dana Whitaker is the executive producer of Sports Night, a great accomplishment for a woman her age. She got her love of sports from her father and 6 brothers, one of whom plays for the Denver Broncos. She got her education from a series of exclusive all girls schools, that her mother insisted she attend so that she wouldn't grow up to be like her father and 6 brothers. The result is an irresistable combination of brilliance inside the office, and something a little less than brilliance anywhere outside of it.
Dana: Excuse me! (runs out of Control Room to meet Casey walking through the News Room) You don't like my hair and all do you?
Casey: Dana, I...
Dana: Casey! Gordon's taking me to Gracie Mansion tonight for dinner with the mayor.
Casey: Exactly what kind of consequence would befall you if the mayor was displeased with your hair?
Dana: You don't think he's gonna like my hair?
Dana: Casey, do you want to talk in your office?
Casey: Why would I want to talk in my office?
Dana: I think you're having some Gordon issues.
Casey: I'm not having Gordon issues.
Dana: You are.
Casey: I'm not.
Dana: Little issues.
Casey: I'm not.
Dana: Let's talk in your office. (goes into Dan & Casey's office)
JVO: The Casey-Dana saga is pretty much this: Dana thinks that Casey is jealous of her relationship with Gordon, her new boyfriend, which he is. Casey claims he has no interest in Dana one way or the other, which he does. Dana knows how he feels and does her best to be sensitive.
Dana: Do you feel inferior because he's a lawyer?
Casey: I don't feel inferior. And if I did feel inferior, it wouldn't be because he's a lawyer.
Dana: Is it because of his obvious physical prowess?
Casey: I really couldn't comment on his prowess.
Dana: Though God knows I could.
Casey: You really think I'm jealous of Gordon because he's a lawyer?
Dana: You have an envy of postgraduate degrees--always have.
Casey: Do have a sense of exactly what day you turned into a lunatic woman?
Dana: Gordon Gage, B.A., M.A., J.D.
Casey: He's got an M.A. too?
Dana: See ya. (starts to leave)
Casey: By the way. Read in the paper this morning about Sammy Galino.
Dana: You can't mention that.
Casey: Oh really?
Dana: No, seriously. When Gordon gets here you can't make fun of the Sammy Galino thing.
Casey: I think I can.
Dana: Casey, he and his team worked for 4 and a half years building a case against Sammy Galino. This would have been a huge blow to organized crime in Brooklyn and in the whole city. They worked 18 hour days. They wanted this, there is no comedy here!
Casey: Sure there is.
Casey: He lost!
Dana: Casey, when...
Casey: Dana, I work in a bottom-line business. You win or you lose. And Deputy Gordon lost.
Dana: Don't call him Deputy Gordon.
Casey: He hasn't made deputy?
Dana: He is the Assistant U.S. Attorney for the southern district, and this was a very tough loss. I don't want you to say anything.
Casey: I wouldn't say anything. I'm grateful to him as any good citizen would be. Organized crime is a scourge that affects us all, and I just thank God that he won. No wait... he lost!
Dana: Casey, I'm serious.
Casey: You betcha.
Elliot: How's the writer's block?
Dan: You're gonna need to get someone to fix my computer.
Kim: What's wrong with it?
Dan: It's in several pieces on my floor.
JVO: The writer's block that Dan had experience that one morning, had continued on through the afternoon and into the early evening. There's nothing that Dan likes more than writing, so this day was particularly tough on him.
Dan: And I want to ask for your patience and support during this period. (Natalie immediately throws a cup of water in Dan's face) Okay. Why did that happen?
Natalie: Shock therapy.
Dan: Shock therapy.
Natalie: Leave this to me. I'm gonna knock that writer's block right out of ya.
Dan: By throwing water in my face.
Natalie: By surprising you with the unexpected. That was step one. There's not going to be any more water.
Dan: What's step two? (Natalie throws another glass of water in his face) I thought you said there wasn't going to be any more water.
Natalie: It was surprising and unexpected.
Dan: Yes it was.
Casey: Hey, look who's here.
Gordon: Hey Casey.
Casey: Hey Gordon. Look, Dana told me you were a little down about the verdict in your trial, so I just want you to know I'm not going to do any jokes. I'm not gonna give you a hard time.
Gordon: I appreciate it.
Casey: So this, uh, party at Gracie Mansion... must be going pretty late.
Gordon: Yeah, we'll catch the tail end of it.
Casey: Do you think the mayor's going to chew you out for so spectacularly blundering the case?
Gordon: I don't actually work for the mayor. I work for the U.S. Department of Justice.
Casey: And a hell of a year you guys have been having.
Gordon: You know, Casey, I know this isn't my finest hour, but there's really nothing you can say that's going to rattle me. I'm just happy to be here, happy to be talking to you, happy to be having sex with Dana every night.
Casey: You know... it really wasn't my intention to discuss any Dana-related matters. I was just reading this "New York Times" piece on the forensic evidence, the ballistics match, the eyewitnesses and the 78 hours worth of wiretaps, a portion of which included the defendant saying "I killed him. I killed him. I killed him dead." and I was wondering what the heck a fellow has to do to get thrown in jail on your watch.
Gordon: How about I run you through an IRS audit and we find out?
Casey: You got nothing on me, couselor. I live my life clean as my mother's kitchen floor.
Gordon: Is that your name up on a Monday Night Football office pool?
Gordon: Are you familiar with Section Code 4 of the Rico Act?
Gordon: Then before I decide to subpeona your whole family, why don't you go back to writing your television show and leave the smarty-boy remarks to those of us with postgraduate degrees.
Casey: Okay. (leaves)
Casey: I've got a problem.
Casey: Gordon is a more formidable foe than I suspected.
Isaac: Yeah, well my daughter's dating a republican.
Casey: (walks up to set desk) Whatcha doing?
Dan: Looking for my talent.
Casey: You gotta relax. It'll pass.
Dan: You had to write my script for me tonight.
Casey: You've had to write for me before.
Dan: (sighs) I feel like somebody put a mojo on me. I'm tense, my mind's racing like I'm gonna blow apart, I...
Casey: Listen, seriously. You need to relax. Just take however long you need, sip your coffee and relax.
Dan: Yeah. (starts drinking his coffee as Natalie comes up behind him and sets off and airhorn, causing Dan to spit his coffee everywhere)
Natalie: Did it work?
Dan: Natalie. I don't have the hiccups. Writer's block doesn't go away just by -(Natalie throws another cup of water in his face and then walks away. Dan is nearly motionless as Casey laughs loudly)
Elliot: Ten minutes to air. Somebody get Dan a towel!
Casey: (on the air) That's 11 third period goals in three games and that would be a record except for what, Dan?
Dan: The Montreal Canadians.
Casey: The Montreal Canadians of 1973, (speaks French), 13 third period goals in three games. You're watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.
Dave: We're out.
Will: 90 seconds back.
Dana: I'm still looking for the chyron on two.
Will: It's on four.
Chris: It's on two.
Will: It's on four.
Kim: We got a chyron on two?
Dana: Mush-Mouse and Pumpkin-Puss are looking for it.
Dan: Stay away from me.
Natalie: On page 66, half way down in the NFL injury report, it says "Collins is expected to miss practice this week, the result of a bulging disk."
Natalie: There's a typo on the teleprompter. They left out the S.
Casey: "Collins is expected to sidelined a week to ten days with a bulging di" uh oh!
Dan: That's a big 10-4.
Casey: My next line in the script was "Let's go the videotape."
Natalie: We might have gotten some phone calls.
JVO: You've probably noticed that I haven't said anything about Natalie Hurley in this letter. I'm sure you were reading in the papers about the incident in the locker room. Things have calmed down here considerably since then. I fell asleep once while making her dinner, and that's a whole other story, but since that night, it seems like things have been kind of awkward between us. It's hard to resist the urge to ask her out, but I doubt that would do much to lessen the awkwardness. While I was writing this just now (picture fades to computer monitor showing Jeremy's letter), something kind of cool happened. I was sitting here at 1 am when I heard music coming from the studio. ('Boogie Shoes' plays. Casey and Dan both enter, carrying glasses that appear to have had something giant and blue in them. Dan is holding hands with an unknown blonde woman. The rest of the crew follow them into the News Room.)
Casey: What did we come back here for?
Dan: 9-ball. It's gonna be great.
Casey: Greta Lipsik and Yoshira Yotsomora?
Dan: Throw out your rule book.
Dana: (obviously drunk) I can't hear it in here! Crank it!
Jeremy: What's going on? (Dana dances in front of him)
Casey: Lola Folana over here got us thrown out of the bar.
Dana: What, is there a law against dancing now? Is that what it's come to?
Natalie: Of course not.
Dave: Chris and Will are pumping it into the monitors.
Casey: There's a law against shooting somebody and dumping the body at Bayside, but you wouldn't think so to listen to Barney Fife.
Natalie: (to Jeremy) Come here. (She leads him off to the side. Dana is now dancing and facing Casey, putting her arms on his shoulders as they start dancing, along with the others)
Natalie: How are ya?
Natalie: Good. I'm going to do something right now and I don't want it to startle you.
Jeremy: Are you going to throw water at me?
Natalie: No. (kisses him) No big deal. Just something we did. (puts something in his hand) Stamps. (They join the others)
JVO: One last thing--Dan finally got over his writer's block. He met Stacey Kerr at the Smoking Dog. Stacey plays on the women's professional beach volleyball tour. Turns out Stacey's a big fan of Dan's, and was particular taken by his writing.
Stacy: How are you able to write that way? I mean, what goes on in your head? How did you get that style?
JVO: And in that moment, Dan was reminded once again, why he wanted to write in the first place. It's for the same reason anybody does anything--to impress women. Stay out of trouble, Louise. Love, Jeremy