blonde high heeled feminist (notashamed) wrote in sntranscripts,
blonde high heeled feminist

Season 1: Episode 22: Napoleon's Battle Plan

Dan & Casey's Office
Kim: (over PA) Five minutes to air. First team in the studio, please. Five minutes.
(Dan and Casey stand in the middle of their office, dressed in shirts, ties, socks and their underwear)

Dan: Well.
Casey: Yes.
Dan: We're in our underwear. There's no question about that.
Casey: Yes.
Dan: We're two grown men with important jobs who are standing in their underwear. Let's sing a song. Seriously.
Casey: (picks up the phone) Yeah, this is Casey McCall. We could use a little wardrobe up here.

Control room
Dave: Stand by.
Chris: Loading one and FX-1.
Will: Stand by, animation.
Dana: Gimme Cleveland and sound on four. What do you think?
Dave: Cleveland's up.
Jeremy: That the camera?
Dana: Not just a camera. The Soshi/Suntac RTS III.
Jeremy: Sounds like a good camera.
Dana: It is.
Jeremy: (into mic) Stephon Marbury's got four fouls.
Dana: It's got center-spot metering, AP and SP exposure modes, auto bracketing, a five FPS motor drive--
Kim: I'm gonna recut the T-Wolves.
Jeremy: Marbury's got four fouls.
Dana: --TTL and spot reflash.
Jeremy: Sounds like a pretty good camera.
Dana: It's top of the line.
Jeremy: Do you take pictures?
Dana: No.
Jeremy: Have you ever taken pictures?
Dana: No.
Jeremy: Do you know anything about cameras?
Dana: Not as such, no.
Jeremy: But you're thinking about buying one.
Dana: I'm thinking about buying a Soshi/Suntac RTS III, yes. Natalie, we need first team.
Natalie: We're getting there.
Dave: Five minutes to air.

Dan & Casey's Office
Dan: What happened to getting a plan?
Casey: I know.
Dan: There was supposed to be a plan to stop the Dana/Gordon engagement.
Casey: I know.
Dan: Is there a plan?
Casey: No.
Dan: You have no plan?
Casey: Well, it wasn't for lack of trying.
Dan: I think it was.
Casey: I tried.
Dan: You didn't.
Casey: I tried to come up with a plan.
Dan: But you didn't.
Casey: I didn't try?
Dan: You didn't come up with a plan.
Casey: That's right.
Dan: You have no plan.
Casey: That's right.
Dan: (looking out the window) You think there are people in the building across the street looking at us in our underwear?
Casey: (looks out the window) Yes, I do.

Control Room
Dave: Three minutes to VTR.
Kim: Four minutes live.
Dana: What's the hold-up?
Natalie: Something happened to their pants.
Dana: Both their pants?
Natalie: Yeah.
Dana: Was there an industrial accident?
Natalie: Wardrobe's pressing the pants.
Dana: We don't have time. Kim, get them in the studio. Folks, we'll get them their pants in the first c-break. None of this would be happening if I had the Soshi/Suntac RTS III with built-in datapack.
Jeremy: Do you understand anything you're saying?
Dana: No.

Dan & Casey's Office
Dan: No plan.
Casey: Nope.
Dan: You know what it might be time for?
Casey: Sadly, I do.
Dan: Yeah, it might be time for me to step in.
Kim: (enters) Let's go. We'll get you the pants in the c-break. (they all start walking towards the Studio)
Dan: Okay, but I for one would feel more comfortable if everyone took their pants off.
Casey: He's right.
Dan: We're a team.
Casey: I'll tell ya what really makes this outfit work are the socks.
Kim: I was gonna say.

Control Room
Dave: 60 seconds to VTR, two minutes live.
Jeremy: Glenn Rice is six for six from the arc in Portland.
Dana: If they win, we call it hot in 50.
Natalie: Chris.
Chris: I'm on it.
Dana: I was thinking about the Noshika Super 2000 LS-3, but then I figured, no, if I'm doing this, I might as well go whole hog.
Jeremy: Since you don't know what you're doing anyway.
Dana: Exactly.
Natalie: She had a hard time sleeping last night.
Jeremy: And read a mail order catalog?
Dana: Yes.
Jeremy: For products you know nothing about.
Dana: I can tell you that for 219.95 the Polaris Digital Exposure Meter is a steal at twice the price.
Jeremy: Do you know what it is?
Dana: No, but I find myself in the market for one.
Dave: Role VTR.

Casey: Technically, I have a plan.
Dan: What's the plan?
Casey: It's Napoleon's plan.
Dan: Who's Napoleon?
Casey: A 19th century French emperor.
Dan: You're cracking wise with me now?
Casey: Yes.
Dan: Thanks.
Casey: He had a two-part plan.
Dan: What was it?
Casey: First we show up, then we see what happens.
Dan: That was his plan?
Casey: Yeah.
Dan: Against the Russian army?
Casey: Yeah.
Dan: First we show up, then we see what happens.
Casey: Yeah.
Dan: Almost hard to believe he lost.
Casey: Yeah.
Dan: Allyson, as you can see, Casey and I aren't wearing any pants, so I think in the interest of office professionalism you should avert your eyes.
Allyson: Okay.
Dan: Either that or take off your pants.
Allyson: I'll avert my eyes.
Casey: Suit yourself, but you should know I play squash three times a week and my calves have been called shapely.
Allyson: Good show.
Casey: Good show.
Dan: Anyway, I'm stepping in.
Casey: You're not stepping in.
Dan: The discussion's closed.
Dave: In ten....
Dan: Casey?
Casey: Yeah?
Dan: Who's been calling your calves shapely?
Casey: My mom.
Dan: Okay. Don't talk to me for the rest of the show.
Dave: In three, two....
Casey: Good evening from New York City. I'm Casey McCall alongside Dan Rydell. Those stories plus Connie Morton in Chicago, Jack Jankowitz in Hollywood and Kelly Kirkpatrick in Vegas for the big weigh-in.
Dan: We're here in mid-town Manhattan, and we don't know where you are, but we know you're watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.
Dave: We're out.
Kim: Two minutes back.


Dan & Casey's Office
Dan: In the interest of full disclosure.
Casey: Say that again.
Dan: In the interest of full disclosure.
Casey: That is so lame.
Dan: That's not lame.
Casey: It's pretty lame.
Dan: Not only isn't it lame, I think it happens to be right.
Casey: Whereas I think it's simultaneously both wrong and lame.
Dan: Casey--
Casey: It's none of my business.
Dan: It is your business.
Casey: It's not.
Dan: I disagree.
Casey: I can live with that. (calls out) Elliot?
Elliot: Five years, 34 million with the bonus and incentives.
Casey: Thank you.
Dan: Hang on a second. We can differ. It's okay with me. As long as you understand that I'm right.
Casey: You're not right.
Dan: By right, I meant honorable.
Casey: It's not right and it's not honorable.
Dan: It's the high road.
Casey: It's the low road. It's the lowest of roads. Other roads which would under normal circumstances be considered low roads would be high relative to this road.
Dan: She's gonna marry him, Casey.
Casey: Well, that's entirely up to her.
Dan: But you have information she doesn't have.
Casey: I graduated Phi Beta Kappa, Danny. I have information most people don't have. It's my cross to bear.
Dan: He had an affair with Sally.
Casey: Yes.
Dan: While he was dating Dana.
Casey: Did Elliot say 34 million with incentives or plus incentives?
Dan: He slept with Sally while he was seeing Dana and I think that --
Casey: Danny--
Dan: -- in the interest of full disclosure, she should have this information.
Casey: No.
Dan: In the interest of full disclosure.
Casey: Was it with or plus--
Dan: With incentives. 500 at bats, 20 stolen bases.
Casey: Slugging percentage?
Dan: Yes. I'm perfectly serious. Why is it wrong to tell her, huh?
Casey: Doesn't seem very manly, does it?
Dan: Do it in a deep voice.
Casey: (waves hand in the air) See me waving up here? You know where I am?
Dan: The high road?
Casey: I can see everything from up here.
Dan: You have no plan.
Casey: I have a plan.
Dan: First you show up. Then you see what happens.
Casey: It worked for Napoleon.
Dan: No, it didn't work for Napoleon. Napoleon was defeated at Waterloo and died in exile on the isle of Elba.
Casey: Actually, he was murdered on Elba. It's just one of many things I know that most people don't.
Dan: Oh, I find myself incredibly frustrated with you right now. And I think the best thing for me to do is to go to the tape library and look at some film on Atlanta's middle relief. But before we do that, I'd just like to say that you have no plan.
Casey: I can barely hear you up here, Danny.
Danny: I'm leaving now.
Casey: I'm okay with that.
Dan: (walks out) No plan!
Casey: Got it.
Dan: Good bye.

Conference Room
Jeremy: Hello.
Natalie: Hang on.
Jeremy: Okay.
Natalie: What happens if I move Tampa Bay and St. Louis to the 4 block? Does something bad happen if I do that?
Jeremy: There'll be 55 seconds of dead air starting at 11:22.
Natalie: That's pretty bad.
Jeremy: Yeah. I got this memo.
Natalie: Yeah.
Jeremy: About the blood drive.
Natalie: Yeah.
Jeremy: I can't do it.
Natalie: Okay.
Jeremy: I can't give blood.
Natalie: That's fine.
Dan: (enters) Hey.
Natalie: What do you need for Phil Jackson?
Dan: 3:45.
Natalie: Can you make it 3:30?
Dan: Yeah.
Jeremy: Dan?
Dan: Yeah?
Jeremy: I can't give blood.
Dan: Okay.
Jeremy: That's all I had to say.
Dan: Well, you've given me a lot to think about.
Jeremy: Yeah.
Dan: Hi.
Natalie: Hi.
Dan: I'm going to do something that some people might consider wrong. I am not one of those people.
Natalie: What is it?
Dan: I believe what I do now is right. I believe it in my guts, and my guts are all I have. My guts and a pleasing personality.
Natalie: Dan--
Dan: I've always lived by my guts, Natalie.
Natalie: Please.
Dan: About two months ago, Gordon spent the night with Sally.
Natalie: Who's Sally?
Dan: Sally.
Natalie: Sally?
Dan: Yes. Now, I should tell you Casey would prefer Dana didn't know. So armed with the information I've just given you, I would ask you to be responsible, discr--
Natalie: (running out and shouting) Dana!
Dan: (to empty room) Of course, it's entirely up to you.

Control Room
Dana: (looking at camera catalog) Let me see the chyron.
Chris: They need a second.
Jeremy: It's not that I wouldn't like to, it's just that I can't.
Dana: Okay.
Jeremy: That's really all I have to say.
Dana: Check out this strobe from B&C. 3-head outlets, symmetrical and asymmetrical power distribution, 2-synch phone jack, style outlets and built-in photo cell.
Jeremy: Do you know what it does?
Dana: I don't even know what it is.
Jeremy: But you're going to get one.
Dana: I think I owe it to myself.
Natalie: (running in) Hello. Good afternoon. I need to talk to you.
Jeremy: I haven't changed my mind.
Natalie: About what?
Jeremy: About the blood.
Natalie: Don't worry about it. Please, come with me.
Dana: (following Natalie out) I tell ya, they might as well throw in the dynalite with the 10-inch reflector and the 4-way barndoor set.
Natalie: Dana! (they go backstage)
Jeremy: Yeah, I've really made up my mind about this.
Natalie: You have to cancel the plans.
Dana: What plans?
Natalie: The marriage plans. You have to cancel them.
Dana: I've been engaged for 2 days. I have no marriage plans.
Natalie: You have to call off the engagement. You have to give back the ring.
Dana: I don't have a ring. He's giving it to me at lunch.
Natalie: You have to call off lunch.
Dana: I'm actually pretty hungry.
Natalie: Dana, seriously....
Dana: What?
Natalie: Gordon slept with Sally a couple of months ago.
Dana: Who told you that?
Natalie: I can't tell you.
Dana: How did this person know?
Natalie: They know.
Dana: How do they know?
Natalie: I don't know.
Dana: Well, I don't believe it.
Natalie: Dana, this person--
Dana: They got it wrong. I'll ask him about it at lunch. But they got it wrong.
Natalie: You think?
Dana: Yeah.
Natalie: You seem calm.
Dana: Yes.
Natalie: You wouldn't think you'd be this calm.
Dana: No. You wouldn't think so, would you?
Natalie: No.
Dana: I'll ask him about it at lunch.
Natalie: Yeah.
Dave: (sticking head out the door) Dana?
Dana: Yeah. I'll be right there. (slowly walks back to the control room) You really wouldn't think I'd be this calm.

Dana: Look at it.
Gordon: Yeah.
Dana: It's like, there it is!
Gordon: Yeah.
Dana: Look, I'm waving it around and --wha! There's an engagement ring!
Gordon: Ah, it looks great on you.
Dana: It's the hardest substance known to man.
Gordon: Yes.
Dana: It can cut glass.
Gordon: Dana, what's on your mind?
Dana: What?
Gordon: What's on your mind? You've been strange all through lunch.
Dana: Gordon, I've been strange my entire life.
Gordon: Dana--
Dana: Did you have an affair with Sally Sasser?
Gordon: (is silent for a moment) I don't believe it.
Dana: Did you?
Gordon: I don't believe it.
Dana: Gordon--
Gordon: Casey told you?
Dana: No, as a matter of fact, he didn't.
Gordon: Who told you?
Dana: I-it couldn't be less important.
Gordon: It is important.
Dana: Well, I think there are other things that have become more important.
Gordon: Dana--
Dana: Gordon--
Waiter: (coming up to table) Can I tell you about some of our dessert specials?
Dana: No, thank you.
Gordon: No, thanks.
Waiter: The chef has made a pecan pie.
Dana: Thanks anyway.
Waiter: One plate with two forks....
Dana: Seriously, I'll kill you.
Gordon: Give us a second. (waiter leaves) I'm sorry. It happened during our really bad time. I thought we were through, I really did. Dana, my life is flashing in front of my eyes. This is not something to blow this over. I want to marry you.
Dana: Yeah.
Gordon: Dana, I--
Dana: How would Casey know?
Gordon: What?
Dana: You thought that Casey told me. How would Casey know?
Gordon: It's not important.
Dana: How would he know?
Gordon: It--This part is funny, actually. About a week before I had my... liaison with Sally, Casey spent the night and left without his shirt. It was in her closet, I mistook it for my shirt. I was wearing it and Casey... called me on it.
Dana: I see.
Gordon: Dana, Dana.... it was nothing. It would never, never happen when we were married.
Dana: I believe you.
Gordon: Really?
Dana: Yes.

Editing Room
Jeremy: Some people think it's the needle, but it's not the needle.
Sally: (working on a tape) Look at this, nobody's on the perimeter.
Jeremy: It's really not the needle.
Sally: One, two, three people collapse on MacElroy.
Jeremy: It's this: that blood is ostensibly going someplace it needs to go. It's on its way to oxidize something. I have to respect that.
Sally: That's fine.
Jeremy: All right, it's a little bit the needle.
Dana: (enters) Jeremy, can I have the room, please?
Jeremy: Dana, I know the blood drive is important, I just can't do it.
Dana: I can honestly care less.
Jeremy: Thank you.
Dana: Please close the door. (Jeremy leaves) Did you sleep with my fiancè and then sleep with my anchor?
Sally: That's an awfully abrupt and impolite question, Dana.
Dana: Did you?
Sally: I'm not prepared to stipulate that the answer to that question is any of your business.
Dana: Cut the crap, Sally, this isn't a Noel Coward play.
Sally: Nonetheless, I'm not your enemy and I'm not on your staff, so I'll ask you to reconsider your tone of voice.
Dana: (softer) I apologize.
Sally: He told me you'd broken up, Dana.
Dana: You'd just seen us together!
Sally: He said you'd broken up that day.
Dana: And so that night you go and--
Sally: (turning to leave) I think I'll stand here while you scold me.
Dana: I don't like territorial women, Sally!
Sally: (turning back) Well, I guess we won't be sharing a ride to the prom then, will we, Dana?
Dana: At a time when this organization was in trouble, you--
Sally: Dana!
Dana: -- deliberately and maliciously went out of your way --
Sally: To sleep with your boyfriend and your anchor?
Dana: Yes!
Sally: Oh! First of all, I didn't have to go very far out of my way to do either one. And the fact that you think my personal life is an act of aggression --
Dana: You're right.
Sally: -- is so typically you.
Dana: You're absolutely right.
Sally: What?

Dana: I'm sorry. You're absolutely right. (starts to cry) I can't believe I just came in here and said that to you. Oh... aren't I pathetic?
Sally: No. Dana, listen to me. You're not mad 'cause I slept with Gordon. You don't care that I slept with Gordon. You're mad that I slept with Casey.
Dana: No.
Sally: Yes.
Dana: Why would I--
Sally: Dana--
Dana: Look, it was, I mean, it was one night.
Sally: Well, i-it was one night with Gordon.
Dana: How many nights was it with Casey?
Sally: We've been spending the night together for about two months.
Dana: Oh. I didn't know.
Sally: Yeah. Just late. After work. I-I don't get out of here until three and--
Dana: Yeah, but I mean, wha--
Sally: Dana--
Dana: No. You're right. Of course, you're right. It's none of my business.
Sally: Dana--
Dana: I should go.
Sally: Casey, um... doesn't like me that much.
Dana: What?
Sally: Casey doesn't like me that much.
Dana: I'm sure you're wrong, Sally.
Sally: No, I'm not.
Dana: I should go.
Sally: See you.
Dana: Yeah. (exits)

Conference Room
Dan: Natalie?
Natalie: Yes, Dan?
Dan: I've been thinking. And, in retrospect, I'm not sure it was such a good idea for me to have told you about Gordon and Dana.
Natalie: Well, you've got a problem, then, Dan.
Dan: You already told Dana?
Natalie: Yes, I did. And Dana told Gordon, and Gordon revealed Casey, and Sally added that it's been going on for two months. (heads out of room)
Dan: (following) Well, I hit the jackpot then, didn't I?
Natalie: (going down hall into newsroom) Daniel, don't we have an understanding about sharing information?
Dan: Yes, we do.
Natalie: We have an understanding.
Dan: I know.
Natalie: (yells out as they pass the control room) 22, over the shoulder paintbox, sound 44.
Will: Thank you.
Natalie: You knew about Gordon and Sally, and you knew about Casey and Sally. And someone didn't share, did they?
Dan: No.
Natalie: When the dust settles on this thing, you know what you're going to have to get?
Dan: Punishment?
Natalie: A little punishment.
Dan stands in the hall for a moment and then walks into his office.

Dan & Casey's Office
Casey: At bats, stolen bases, slugging percentage, total bases, RBIs, runs scored, walks -- it's a lot of incentive, I'd try my best. (Dan doesn't respond, just stands silently) What?
Dan: Hi.
Casey: Hi.
Dan: So listen... I don't quite know how to say this, but things have changed since the last time we spoke.
Casey: What kind of things?
Dan: Well... you know how you didn't want anyone to know about Gordon and Sally?
Casey: Yeah?
Dan: That's not so much the way it is anymore.
Casey: I see.
Dan: And... people not knowing about you and Sally?
Casey: Yeah?
Dan: That's a thing of the past as well. So here's what I think we gotta do. I think we gotta live in the now. I think we say "Okay. This has happened. I think we do those things."
Casey: Really.
Dan: Yeah.
Casey: I think I beat the crap outta you.
Dan: That's not what I would call living in the now.
Casey: No, it's a lot more like beating the crap outta you.
Dan: Yeah.
Casey: You told Dana?
Dan: I told Natalie, Natalie told Dana.
Casey: Oh, boy! Who woulda thought?
Dan: Dana told Gordon, Dana told Sally.
Casey: Yes.
Dan: Of course, Sally already knew--
Casey: Danny--
Dan: Listen--
Casey: Shut up.
Dan: You don't get to decide what the high road is, okay? You're not that guy. From time to time, I call one on my own.
Casey: You're a woman, you know that? I'm gonna stick you under a hair dryer.
Dana: (enters) You... are a sleazy, slimy, adolescent, oversexed, overpaid blowhole!
Dan: (pauses) Which one of us are you talking to?
Dana: Get out!
Dan: (to Casey) The high road, my friend--
Casey: Get out. (Dan leaves) Yes?
Dana: Well. (she walks out)
Casey: (following her) Since when do I need your permission to have a social life?
Dana: Please lower your voice. I do not want your tawdry tales of office lust infecting my newsroom.
Kim: (as they pass) Casey?
Casey: Yeah?
Elliot: We'd like to hear them.
Casey: I don't see why you have any right to be upset about this.
Dana: Really.
Casey: Yeah.
Dana: Then why were you keeping it a secret?
Casey: 'Cause I thought you might be upset about this.
Dana: Well--
Casey: Well, I didn't think you had a right to, but I thought you might be upset.
Dana: Sally?
Casey: Listen, I --
Dana: Sally?
Casey: Hey, let me see the ring.
Dana: No, you may not see the ring.
Casey: Okay.
Dana: I have to go now, Casey.
Casey: Where are you going?
Dana: I'll tell you where I'm going. I'm going to buy a camera.
Casey: Okay.
Dana: I'm buying the Soshi/Suntac RTS III.
Casey: Since when do you take pictures?
Dana: Starting now. Immediately. As soon as I learn how to work the camera.
Casey: Excellent.
Dana: I'm getting the comtax filters and the rubber hood, too.
Casey: Okay.
Dana: (starts walking away, then turns around) I have to go this way.

Dan & Casey's Office
(Dan and Casey are once again without their pants)
Natalie: (over PA) Five minutes to air. First team in the studio, please.

Casey: This is happening way too often.
Dan: Actually, I think you're getting caught in the crossfire of my punishment.
Casey: Who's punishing you?
Dan: Natalie. For not telling her sooner. I think she's witholding our pants.
Casey: You're a lot of fun to share an office with today, you know that?
Dan: It's not my best day.
Casey: No.

Control Room
Dave: Two minutes to VTR, three minutes live.
Will: Stand by.
Chris: Stand by, animation.
Jeremy: I'll write a check, I'll volunteer my time, I just prefer not to give my actual blood.
Dana: Natalie, why don't the guys have their pants again?
Natalie: Because someone forget to share.
Dana: Kim. (Kim gets up and leaves) Show me the Metrodome. What do you think about film?
Jeremy: Oh, I'd definitely use some. I think you'll see a real difference. My point is, I don't think I should be judged for this.
Chris: Metrodome's up.

Dan & Casey's Office
Dan: They're definitely looking at us from across the street. Not at you so much, but they're definitely looking at me.
Kim: (appearing in door) Let's go. You'll get 'em in the c-break.
Dan: Casey?
Casey: Yeah?
Dan: Those are nice boxers.
Casey: Shut up.

Control Room/Studio
Dave: Roll VTR.
Natalie: (taking Jeremy out of the control room) Did you know about any of this?
Jeremy: Any of what?
Natalie: Gordon and Casey and Sally?
Jeremy: I don't even know about it now.
Natalie: But you know about sharing.
Jeremy: Yes.
Natalie: And you know about punishment.
Jeremy: Yeah.
Natalie: Good. (goes back into control room) Good show, everybody.

Dan: Hey, guys, Casey's feeling a little blue. I think it'd really pick him up if you complimented his underwear.
Allyson: (looking into Casey's lap) It's plaid.
Casey: Yes, it is.

Dave: 30 seconds.
Dana: (into mic) Guys, you're going to have to do the first two blocks without your pants. Casey, you should feel right at home.
Casey: Thank you.
Dan: See, you wanna be mad at me, but secretly, you're happy.
Casey: Danny--
Dan: Secretly, you're happy.
Casey: Well, the high road's a very happy place, Danny.
Dan: Look, it's your plan.
Casey: We just showed up.. No... we'll see what happens.
Dave: In three, two...
Casey: Good evening, from New York City. I'm Casey McCall alongside Dan Rydell. Those stories, plus we have a blowout in Philadelphia, a burnout in Daytona, and a bailout at Baton Rouge.
Dan: We've got hijinx in Houston and a mountain in Motor City. All that coming up after this, you're watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.


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Tags: gordon, punishment, season 1, shapely calves, soshi suntac rts iii
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