Dan sits at the desk, looking at the Sports Night website. Casey comes in.
DAN Good mornin'.
CASEY Good mornin'.
DAN You know what this week's internet poll question is?
CASEY "Who's cooler: Dan or Casey?"
DAN That's right.
CASEY Can you believe it?
DAN We're journalists.
CASEY What're you gonna do?
DAN You know how many people have voted?
DAN Yes. You know who's winning?
CASEY Well, I'm assuming you are.
CASEY I am?
CASEY How 'bout that?
CASEY Hey, let's talk about Notre Dame. I feel--
DAN 153 to 6.
CASEY I'm sorry?
DAN You're winning, 153 to 6.
CASEY That's quite a landslide so far.
CASEY You wouldn't think there'd be this kind of grass-roots groundswell so early on, but I've always been able to count on a very rabid and loyal fan base.
DAN How are you rigging it?
DAN Did you stay up all night voting for yourself?
CASEY Yeah, like I don't have anything better to do than beat your ass in an internet poll.
DAN Here's the thing about you: it's not that you want to win so bad, it's that you won't admit you want to win.
CASEY Danny...if you'd like, I'll withdraw my name from the competition.
DAN No, no, no.
CASEY You sure?
DAN I have plenty of fans.
CASEY At least half a dozen.
DAN I'm going to work now.
CASEY As will I. (exits into hallway, runs into Jeremy)
JEREMY Hey, Casey.
CASEY Walk with me.
JEREMY Walk with you?
CASEY Walk with me.
CASEY So it doesn't look like we're up to something.
JEREMY What are we up to?
JEREMY What kind of a compromising situation are you about to ask me?
CASEY Shh, shh, shh, shh. (Casey takes Jeremy into a backstage hallway) Can you rig my computer so it does nothing but vote?
JEREMY On the internet?
CASEY I was up all night voting. At first I kept returning to the home page and going back then I figured out I could hold down the return key and hit F12 for refresh, but even that was taking too long.
JEREMY What kind of results are you looking for?
CASEY I want to bury him.
JEREMY You know it's unethical.
JEREMY And there are probably FCC regulations governing-- I mean, we announce these idiot polls on the air.
JEREMY I'm saying I could get in trouble.
CASEY Jeremy, your first week here, Dan crazy-glued all your things to your desk.
CASEY He made you go look for the ignition keys to the cameras.
CASEY Well, this is what men do, Jeremy.
JEREMY All right, I'll tell you what's gonna happen. We're gonna telnet into the network mainframe and ftp a perl script right through a DK trapdoor into the CGI server.
CASEY I like the sound of that. What's it gonna do for me?
JEREMY It's gonna vote for you.
CASEY How many times? How often?
JEREMY 2,000 times a minute, 24 hours a day.
CASEY You are a magnificent young man.
JEREMY Ignition keys to the cameras? We'll see who has the last laugh.
CASEY Atta boy.
JEREMY I need a soda.
CASEY Go get 'em.
Jeremy reads a letter, unaware that Natalie is nearby.
NATALIE Did I scare you?
NATALIE Why did you yell?
JEREMY I meant to say "hi."
NATALIE What happened?
JEREMY I misspoke.
NATALIE Why are you reading my mail?
JEREMY Since when have you been corresponding with my sister?
NATALIE Since when have you been stealing my mail?
KIM Noon rundown.
JEREMY Thank you. (Natalie & Jeremy walk towards Conference Room)
NATALIE It bothers you that I write to Louise?
JEREMY Not at all.
NATALIE Then why were you reading my mail?
JEREMY I'd like to talk about it right now, but as you can see, there are people around--
NATALIE Jeremy's reading my mail!
JEREMY Thank you.
CASEY What's up, Jeremy?
JEREMY Good numbers on Texas Tech.
CASEY Thank you.
NATALIE Plus, he's been reading my mail.
JEREMY Thank you.
DAN Casey got another 150,000 votes overnight on the internet poll.
CASEY It's true.
DAN 150,000 votes. Am I the only one who thinks this is strange?
KIM I think you're the only one who cares.
DAN That's a Rose Bowl and a half full of people.
DANA Before I forget, we're doing the 8:00 rundown at 7:30.
DANA Yes, I have a dinner engagement at 8:00 and so we'll do the 8:00 rundown at 7:30.
ELLIOTT Should we call it the 7:30 rundown?
ELLIOTT I mean, on the paperwork?
DANA On the paperwork, you should call it the 8:00 rundown. All that's happening is we're doing it at 7:30.
JEREMY Like the Saturday Evening Post.
JEREMY Which for a time came out on Sundays.
DANA Thank you.
NATALIE Jeremy's been stealing my mail.
JEREMY Thank you.
DAN What time do you suppose the 10:00 rundown meeting will be?
DANA 10:00 on the dot. Any other questions? Casey?
CASEY Dinner engagement?
DANA Something we can talk about later.
DANA Here we go.
ELLIOTT Word is San Diego and Seattle are ready to make a deal, but Green Bay's balking. (Dana notices that Sam is reading through some papers and not paying attention at all.)
DAN My guy says no way Green Bay's letting anyone go.
JEREMY There are two features coming out on him in the next six weeks, and he just signed his third endorsement deal. And he's not just a good hockey player, he's one of the best in the league. With 34 goals and 41 assists, I say his time has come.
DANA Excuse me, Jeremy. Sam?
DANA Is our meeting disturbing you?
SAM I'm sorry?
DANA I was wondering if our meeting was disturbing you.
SAM A little bit, but I've been through worse.
DANA It's interesting you can make that determination, seeing as how you've been paying no attention whatsoever. How is it you can do that?
SAM Well, I'm just that good, I suppose.
SAM Lead with the Packers, move the Chargers and the Seahawks to the tease, get B-roll on the Patriots. We can do better than LeFlourier in "In Focus." The 8:00 rundown is at 7:30, and if Dan mentions the internet poll one more time, I'm gonna cram a motherboard up his butt. Did I catch the gist of the meeting?
DANA Pretty much, yeah.
SAM Anything else?
DANA Cut footage for the 40s to Natalie by 6:00.
NATALIE Back in two hours.
DAN Think I could take him?
DAN I think I could take him.
CASEY Out to lunch, maybe. Dana... (Casey follows Dana out of the conference room.)
DANA See, you think he's not paying attention, but he really is.
DANA That's how he gets you.
DANA The old switcheroo.
CASEY Uh, dinner engagement?
DANA A guy from high school I haven't seen in a long time.
CASEY High school flame?
DANA Casey, I don't think people are saying flame anymore.
DANA That's fine.
CASEY I'm saying, was he your boyfriend?
DANA He was a guy from my Spanish club.
CASEY Oh, what's his name?
DANA You're not gonna believe it.
CASEY Well, try me.
DANA Cab Calloway.
CASEY The bandleader?
CASEY A different one?
CASEY A different guy named Cab Calloway is who you're going out with tonight?
DANA Having dinner with.
CASEY Cab Calloway.
DANA Let me tell you something, we had a hell of a time finding him a Spanish name.
CASEY Yeah, I would imagine.
CASEY And what?
DANA What about you?
CASEY What about me?
DANA Are you ever gonna ask anyone out?
CASEY Oh, I've got a call in to Lena Horne.
DANA Casey, the plan was 6 months. It's been two weeks and you still haven't gone out on a single date.
CASEY Well, I didn't realize during the six months that you were gonna be dating other people, too.
DANA I'm not dating other people.
CASEY Yeah? What about Mr. Cotton Club?
DANA Don't you want to know what his Spanish name was?
CASEY Thank you.
DANA I gotta go.
DAN How you doin'?
SAM We're up 4 to 7 tenths in all the key demos, adult males 18 to 49.
DAN I was just shooting the breeze.
DAN Are you having any fun, Sam?
SAM Am I having fun?
DAN I don't think you are. You do your job good, no doubt about it. People here respect you, but you don't seem to be making an effort to have any fun.
DAN We're fun people. Dana, Natalie, Jeremy...I'm nothing but fun. For instance, I could say something funny and make you laugh.
DAN Or it wouldn't even have to be funny. It could be serious or personal. See what I'm saying?
SAM I've noticed you people have an ability to chatter at someone with energy and enthusiasm regardless of whether they appear interested or not.
DAN And that's not just on camera.
SAM Dan, I've done quite a number of these jobs, I think you know that.
SAM And there's a preconception when I show up that I'm going to be an obnoxious, snivelling philistine or a suit or someone's cousin. That's what you thought when you heard I was coming, right?
DAN Yes, but I--
SAM But this isn't tv camp. I come in, I do my job, I do it better than anybody else, and I get out. I stopped trying to make friends a long time ago.
DAN Well, I think that's sad.
SAM And I think that's tough.
DAN Hey, look, I may have prejudged you and that was wrong and I hear that, but at least I turned around, man. You're, like, staying where you are. I'm saying we think you're a good guy. We like you. We think you'd like us is you got to know us. But if you wanna do your thing and live in a cave, that's cool too. I won't bother you anymore. At least, I won't bother you anymore tonight. Tomorrow, who knows?
SAM Who knows?
DAN See you later.
News Room/Dana's Office
(Dana enters from the hallway beside the studio.)
NATALIE You're back.
NATALIE How was dinner?
NATALIE How was Cab Calloway?
DANA He was good.
NATALIE (sings) Hi-de, hi-de, hi-de ho.
DANA He gets that a lot.
NATALIE I would think.
DANA Can I talk to you a second?
NATALIE Sure. (They enter Dana's Office)
DANA Something interesting happened at dinner tonight.
DANA I took off my panties.
NATALIE You took off your panties at dinner?
NATALIE At the table?
DANA Under the table.
NATALIE Could people see you?
DANA Not unless they were under the table.
DANA No, those were all good questions.
NATALIE Here's another one.
DANA Why did I take my underwear off?
DANA Perfectly fair.
NATALIE Yes. Was your underwear making you uncomfortable?
NATALIE Sometimes when I wear cotton briefs, I--
DANA No, these were silk. They were fine.
DANA The thing is, I'm not exactly sure why. I think it had something to do with Sam Donovan and not having the kind of control over the show I'm used to; I think it had something to do with Cab Calloway being a staggeringly boring dinner companion, but mostly, I'd heard about other people doing it.
NATALIE What other people?
DANA Other people. In magazines?
NATALIE What magazines?
DANA Good magazines. And at the movies.
NATALIE What movies?
DANA Movies. They do it. At restaurants, in limousines.
NATALIE Which restaurants?
DANA Don't ask what restaurants and limousines. Just they do, ok?
DANA Anyway--(Kim knocks on the door) Yeah?
KIM You want to see the animation in the 50s?
DANA I gotta go.
NATALIE That's it?
DANA Yeah. No big deal, right? (starts to leave her office, but runs into Casey.)
CASEY How was dinner?
DANA How you doin'?
CASEY How was dinner?
CASEY (sings) Hi-de, hi-de, hi-de ho.
DANA Yeah, I bet he doesn't get that a lot.
CASEY Hey, I ran your dating plan by Sam Donovan and he thinks you're insane.
DANA He had a conversation with you?
CASEY Uh, no, but I could tell from his demeanor.
DANA I'm gonna look at graphics. (leaves)
CASEY Hey, did you catch the stats in the Philadelphia-Anaheim game?
NATALIE Can you believe it?
CASEY 179 penalty minutes.
NATALIE In a 60-minute game.
CASEY That's crazy.
NATALIE Not as crazy as Dana coming back from dinner without her panties.
CASEY What'd you say?
CASEY Just then.
CASEY Dana came back from dinner without her panties?
CASEY Why'd you say she did?
NATALIE It's just an expression.
CASEY You said it's not as crazy as Dana coming back from dinner without her panties.
NATALIE Well, technically it's not, Casey.
CASEY I'm just gonna let this one roll right over me.
NATALIE I think that's a good plan.
CASEY Let it roll right over me.
CASEY Plus, there's a lot going on: I have a show in an hour and I'm supposed to be dating other women for six months and Dana came back without her panties and that's the part I'm gonna let roll right over me.
NATALIE It's for the best.
CASEY Ok, then.
NATALIE Go write your show!
CASEY Will do.
DAN If you're from Cleveland, you may want to turn down the volume on your set for a moment.
CASEY Coach Hindle poured gasoline on his simmering quarterback controversy today in College Station when he sang the praises of his sophomore sensation after practice. The coach refused to name a starter for Saturday's nationally televised game...
ELLIOTT New cut sheet, kids.
KIM Preview camera 2.
CASEY ...Whoever gets the nod will have the added pressure of playing in front of a record crowd.
DANA Make 23 an over-the-shoulder.
NATALIE I want to hear sound in the 60 block.
WILL Got it.
DAVE Stand by, 23.
CHRIS Standing by.
ELLIOTT Here you go, boys.
WILL Thank you.
DAN The win was the third in a row for the Philadelphia Flyers who gave the Mighty Ducks plenty to cry about with, count 'em, 179 penalty minutes.
CASEY In the meantime, for more on the Flyers and the Ducks, we take you to Jack Jankowicz in Anaheim.
NATALIE It's Connie.
CASEY Forgive me, Connie Morton in Anaheim. Connie.
DAVE We're out.
CHRIS 5:40 back.
DANA Dan, Casey, that's 5 minutes and 40 seconds, not 5 minutes and 50 seconds, not 5 minutes and 41 seconds, but rather--
CASEY 5 minutes and 40 seconds.
CASEY Cracked your code.
DAN Can I tell you what bugs me?
CASEY It's not that I won, it's that I won't admit I wanted to win?
DAN That's right.
CASEY I really can't take it anymore.
DAN Oh, please. I've seen you be so much more annoying than I'm being right now.
CASEY I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about her.
CASEY Yes, I can't take it.
DAN What happened?
CASEY I can't tell you.
CASEY But suffice it to say it has something to do with underwear.
DAN But you can't tell me what it is?
DAN Does it have anything to do with you being a conniving, scheming, stop-at-nothing, claw-your-way-to-the-top, cheats-at-solitaire, you know, guy?
DAN I think you know what I'm--
CASEY I have a real thing here.
DAN So do I.
CASEY And I honestly can't take it.
DAN There are rules prohibiting cheating. You know what they're called?
CASEY They're called rules.
DAN They're called rules.
CASEY I'm going in there.
DAN Go in there.
CASEY Nope. That'd be bad.
JEREMY You're really gonna do it?
JEREMY You're gonna write another letter to my sister.
JEREMY I have absolutely no problem with that.
NATALIE I'm glad, sweetie.
JEREMY No problem, no way, no how.
JEREMY Crossing that sacred territory into family members.
NATALIE I cross it with gusto.
JEREMY Cross away, for I have no problem with this, as you are my girlfriend and she is my sister.
NATALIE Then why are you talking like Theodoric of York?
JEREMY That's a perfectly fair question.
DANA Move. I need to talk to Natalie.
JEREMY Why can't you talk to Natalie--
DANA I need to talk to her privately.
JEREMY Ah, no problem. I'll just stand over there for 5 minutes and 40 seconds and think about what my life was like before I met any of you.
NATALIE Thanks, honey.
DANA Does Casey know?
DANA You sure?
DANA He's been acting strange during the show.
NATALIE He doesn't know.
DANA He's been acting like he knows.
NATALIE He doesn't.
NATALIE Casey knows.
DANA Oh, Natalie.
NATALIE I accidentally told him.
DAN Don't tell me you weren't doing something. 2.5 million people voted. That's more than in most statewide elections. 2.5 million people. You know how many people voted for me, huh? 232. So don't think I'm paranoid for thinking something fishy might be up.
CASEY I have to go ask her.
DAN Tell me for real. Is this 'cause I crazy-glued Jeremy's stuff to his desk?
CASEY I'm gonna go in and ask her.
DAVE 3 and a half minutes back.
CASEY You and I are about to have an abrupt conversation.
DAVE 3 and a half minutes.
DANA We can't have an abrupt conversation right now, Casey, 'cause we're back in 3 and a half minutes.
CASEY Well, I'm not back in 3 and a half minutes unless I get some answers, so let's go.
DANA Natalie, remind me to give you a beating in the morning.
JEREMY I'll do it.
(Casey and Dana step just outside of the control room.)
DANA It's easy to explain.
DANA Actually, it's hard to explain.
CASEY You think?
DANA So maybe when I have more than 3 and a half minutes--
CASEY I have all the time in the world.
CASEY I mean it, Dana.
DANA Ok. Alright. I'll try to do this as best and as fast as I can.
CASEY I'm listening.
DANA Dinner was incredibly boring. I shifted in my seat. My panties moved. I was amused by that. I tried shifting the other side, it worked. And then it became a thing, like can I make it home without hitting any red lights, or can I say all the state capitals before the plane takes off? And then, there they were.
CASEY Your panties?
CASEY Why didn't you put them back on?
DANA At the restaurant?
DANA I snuck them back in my purse and that's when I got to thinking.
DANA This is the part you're not gonna understand.
CASEY THIS is the part I'm not gonna understand?
DANA I've always taken people's word for it that certain things were dirty and certain things weren't. I have always taken people's word for it. And I'm a grown woman, and at some point you want to decide for yourself, is the word gonna fall down if I do this or if maybe everyone should mind their own business. Let me tell you something, Casey, the world didn't fall down. In fact, truth be told, I liked it.
DANA And that's all I'm going to say about it.
DANA So think what you will, but that's all I'm gonna say about it.
CASEY Stop talking.
CASEY Do you think I think you taking your panties off is a bad idea?
DANA Yeah, but--
CASEY I support the idea. I'm in favor of it, believe me.
CASEY I am the president of Dana should get undressed.
DANA Thank you.
CASEY I don't think you should do it in a restaurant, but wh-- what am I talking about? Go ahead, do it in a restaurant. I'm just saying I wish you were doing it with me instead of Guillermo from your Spanish club. I-- I wish I didn't have to wait through this heart-stoppingly frustrating 6-month waiting period before I even get to smell what perfume you'd wear on our first date. I wish it was me you were having dinner with tonight. That's all. Let's go back inside.
DANA You really understand?
CASEY Yeah, of course I understand.
DANA (knocks on the glass and signals to Natalie that she'll be back) Come with me.
CASEY Uh, we've only go 90 seconds.
JEREMY Well, I guess the only thing for me to do is write a letter of my own.
NATALIE To your sister?
JEREMY To your father.
JEREMY I've decide to become buddies with your father.
NATALIE That's not funny.
DAN Where's Casey?
NATALIE Someplace with Dana.
JEREMY How's that internet poll going, Dan?
DAN Don't think I'm not on to you, my friend.
JEREMY I spent seven hours looking for the ignition keys.
JEREMY Today, I take care of all family business.
JEREMY Dear Hank.
DAVE 60 seconds back.
Dan & Casey's Office
DANA Look in your top drawer.
CASEY Is there an animal in there?
DANA Why would there be an animal in there?
CASEY 'Cause last time, there was an animal in there.
DANA Look in your top drawer. (opens the drawer and pulls out a pair of black panties. "She Will Have Her Way" by Neil Finn starts playing)
DANA So you have something to look forward to. Get on the air.
CASEY I'll keep these, if you don't mind.
DANA I don't mind a bit.
CASEY (walks out of his office and runs into Sam) Sam, everything's cool. I've got her panties right here in my side pocket.
SAM Ok. (Casey keeps walking) Hi, Dana.
DANA And as for you, you see, you don't control my world. I happen to not be wearing any panties right now and if you had a thousand guesses, you couldn't tell me where they were.
SAM Casey's side pocket.
DAVE 30 seconds back. Stand by, 1-4-4.
DAVE In 10. In 3, 2...
CASEY Thank you, Connie Morton in Anaheim with NHL Center Ice. Don't forget tomorrow night is double-header night. At 7:30, the Rangers take on the Bruins at the Garden and at 10:30, San Jose travels to Edmonton. All the action right here on CSC.
DAN Casey and I are just getting warmed up here in Rockefeller Center, so we'll have one more round if you'll have one more round. You're watching Sports Night on CSC, so come on back.
DAVE We're out.
Closing view of the current poll results show Casey leading 3,016,000+ to 233.
original transcript from the_49th_floor